The following list of jokes was accumulated over several years from jokes sent to me by various people. I've combined them all into this page using some software I wrote. As a result, there could be pretty much anything in here. My apologies in advance if you find anything offensive (I know I find some of this stuff in bad taste, but hey - one man's view should not be forced on the rest of the world!).
As far as I know, there is no copyrighted information contained herein. If you find any copyrighted information, or anything illegal (as opposed to just offensive), or any duplicate jokes, please mail me.
Also, if anyone feels that they have been maligned, libelled, or otherwise illegally misrepresented, it is not intentional, and I will hope that you take it in the spirit of humour that it is told. If you can't, then perhaps you should consider getting a life. Don't bother suing me - it's not worth the effort.
Note: If you haven't already guessed, some of these jokes are offensive. Read at your own risk!
The BITCH List...
(A list of personality types we've all seen or met in our time)
1. Sporty bitches that look like men.
2. Alcoholic bitches that look stupid when pissed.
3. Oriental bitches in James Bond films/60s series who can't act
properly and try to sound sexy but end up sounding stupid instead.
4. Bitches who say "Look at me, I'm fat!!" when they know damn
well that they're not.
5. Bitches who bore their friends by going on about their
boyfriend all the time.
6. Bitches who think they're "everyone's favourite girl".
7. Malicious bitches who spread rumours and stir up trouble.
8. Bitches who leave soaps to make crappy records.
9. Ugly bitches who everyone seems to fancy for some reason.
10. Bitches who everyone's had.
11. Rebel bitches in Australian soaps who chew gum, have short
hair (sometimes highlighted with purple), nasal accents and badly
acted bad attitudes.
12. Dinner lady bitches in schools who'd think they could boss you
around.
13. Ugly bitches who think that you fancy them and start acting
stupid...
14. ...their friends.
15. Black bitches who wear black clothing - this never suits them.
16. Model bitches with airbrushed-out defects who every girl
aspires to be.
17. Bitches who do something they know is regrettably stupid like
cut/perm/dye their hair, and get defensive by saying "...I can do
what I want it's my hair etc etc" when you comment/take the piss.
18. Bitches who think you're staring at them and think that you do
so because you fancy them.
19. Black bitches who shake their naked asses about in rap videos.
20. Sterotypical, timid, Oriental bitches called "May Ling" who,
in films get ill-treated by everbody.
21. Indie bitches who have this arrogant "I hate everything and
I'm so cool" attitude (usually band members).
22. Fake bitches on films/TV who everybody fancies and who'd
disappear if all their make-up and silicone implants were removed
(no names mentioned, ho ho!!)
23. Dani Behr.
24. Bitches in Period Dramas who say things like "You're being
beastly to me!!"
25. Bitches who peirce their ears all the way from the earlobe
upwards.
26. Smug bitches.
27. Bitches in computer games who are designed purely by the male
programmer as something to wank over.
28. Ginger bitches with freckles *all over* their bodies.
29. Ageing film star bitches who do lots of beauty treatment to
make themselves look younger, but it never works, does it?
30. Loud, American, 40+ bitches in films with really nasal voices.
31. Tarty bitches in films who keep on keep on complaining about
broken nails or high heels.
32. Airhead bitches in Guns 'N Roses videos.
33. Bitches who whisper about you to your friends in front of you.
34. Bitches who everyone fancies - NEVER go for them!!
35. Bitches who like boys to give them attention but would never
go out with the boy giving the attention.
36. Bitches who are always having problems with boys.
37. Bitches who flirt with other boys, and then get their
boyfriends on them afterwards.
38. Rock bitches who either have serious atitude problems or hair
dyed a stupid colour.
39. Black American bitches who like get a cardiac
whenever a black male goes out with someone who isn't black.
40. Black American bitches who liked being called just that...
41. Bitches who shriek really loudly in public.
42. Bitches who faint at Take That concerts.
43. Raver bitches who think they're really sexy.
44. Bitches who take in all your compliments but at the hint of
one negative statement hate you forever (well, that's all of them isn't
it it?).
45. Bitches who like to see boys fight over them - literally!
46. Giggling little bitches.
47. Gossiping bitches.
48. Serious bitches with no sense of humour.
49. Bitches who just irritate you.
50. Arrogant bitches who talk to you only because they think they
have to.
51. Egotistical bitches who think that everybody fancies them.
52. Bitches on airline travel commercials with really sickly sweet
smiles.
53. Bitches who date guys just for money.
54. Bitches who only date guys who fit a pre-set racial criteria.
55. Bitches in Japanese Manga cartoons with purple hair.
56. The pig-ugly bitch back in school who nobody fancied and who
stunk of piss.
57. Common bitches that scream at people on estates.
58. Indie bitches with unwashed hair.
59. Russian hammer-throwing bitches called Helga.
60. Bitches in porno movies with fake orgasms (and you thought
they were real - after the amount of people *they've* had!?).
61. Bitches who like to tease.
62. Bitches who lead you on a long way and then try to get out of
it afterwards.
63. Bitches who try to draw attention to themselves (who said
Courtney Love?).
64. White American college kid bitches who think they're so
"cute".
65. Bitches who call you "cute" or "sweet".
66. Glam bitches in American soap-operas withh fake blode hair.
67. Bitches in porno films who NEVER take off their high heels.
68. Bitches in banks who always stare at you carefully as if
you're a criminal.
69. Receptionist bitches on phones with attitude problems.
70. Bitches who you attepmt to pull in clubs, get quarter of the
way with by talking to for a while and then fuck off with your best
friend half an hour later.
71. Rude girls.
72. Bitches who dislike you for no reason.
73. Bitches who wear too much perfume.
74. Dinner lady bitches who call you "Young man" (if you were
male).
75. Bitches who pierces their clitoris.
76. Oriental bitches with bright red, day-glo lipstick (usually
prostitutes).
77. Bitches who become shitty when they get boyfriends...
78. Bitches who go out with you but sleep with everyone but you...
79. Bitches who are taller than you.
80. Bitches who are shorter than you.
81. Bitches who talk too much.
82. Bitches who don't talk at all.
83. Perfectly attractive bitches who do themselves no favours by
cutting their hair or shaving it all off in the name of making some
inane statement.
84. Bitches who feel they have to slouch all over their boyfriends
in public.
85. Bitches who only go out with guys their friends tell them to
date.
86. Bitches on soaps to whom dating is their entire existence.
87. Bitches who can never be straight with you and tell you how
they really feel but have to beat about the bush and lie to you instead.
88. Courtney Love (again!)
89. bitches on computer games who always seem to be as hard as
fuck when you fight them (but not when you control them).
90. Bitches who get some sort of perverse pleasure out of
manipulating men.
91. Bitches who like to feel that they have power and control over
everybody (and usually do not like those whom they cannot control).
92. Bitches who never laugh at your jokes.
93. Bitches who laugh (even when you're not making a joke).
94. Bitches who undercut their hair (it looks stupid).
95. Bitches who dye their hair colours that do not suit them.
96. Bitches who boast about all the men they've flirted with and
lead on.
97. Bitches who don't know what the fuck they want.
98. Bitches who date ugly TV stars to attain some fame status.
99. Bitches who seem to be permanently on a period.
100. Goth bitches (well, I have absolutely nothing against Goath
bitches - I just thought that I'd piss off Yak:) ).
A man was sitting at the breakfast table one morning, reading the
newspaper, when all of a sudden, his wife came up behind him, and hit
him in the back of the head with a frying pan.
"What the hell was that for," he asked, in astonishment.
His wife declared, "I was cleaning out your pants pockets to do the
laundry, and found this slip of paper with MaryLou written on it!"
The man shook his head and said, "Honey, don't you remember last week
when I went to the horse track, and came home with the winnings? The
horse I bet on was named MaryLou."
The wife, feeling somewhat foolish, went on with her daily routine.
A few days later, the man was once again greeted with a frying pan to
the back of his head. "Now what?" he said, angrily.
His wife replied coldly "Your horse just called."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralised and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbour's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighbourhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
Michael Jackson and his wife had just had a son and were in the emergency room talking to the doctor. Michael Jackson asked the doctor, "So how soon can we have sex?" The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at least 12".
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him. "Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three times a week' and your wife 'Three times a night'." "Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortage on the house."
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel". The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really". The teacher...in a huff..said.. "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!" The boy got out of his chair...turned to his sister and said.. "Come on, Chicken Shit....he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something. There's no future in time travel. Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. A day without sunshine is like night. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. If you can't convince them, confuse them. Death is hereditary. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. Dyslexics of the world, untie! If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer! Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon! I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Please return Stewardess to original upright position. Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! A good pun is its own reword. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Vidi, vici, veni: I saw, I conquered, I came. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. Dear Santa, all I want is your list of naughty girls. Man who smoke pot choke on handle. Kurt Cobain Soft Drink: it's extremely bitter and it has no head. MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe." How does Teflon stick to the pan? A cat will assume the shape of the container it is packed into. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Q: How do kiwis find their sheep in long grass? A: Very satisfying. Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis" Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. There's an exception to every rule, except this one. I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
CONDOMS A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a Great display of condoms. The son asks, "Dad, what's the three pack for?" Father replies, "That's for when you're in high school: two for Friday night - one for Saturday night." The son asks, "What's the six pack for?" Father replies, "That's for when you're in college: two for Friday night - two for Saturday night - two for Sunday morning." Then the son asks, "What's the 12 pack for?" "That's for when you're married , , , one for January , one for February , , one for March , , ,
Buffalo Theory... A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Signs You May Be Drinking Too Much If... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I'm as jober as a sudge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange depending on the weather." Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher. Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! That's disgusting. Of course not!!!" "OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants," said Johnny.
BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA Dear Santa: Listen, you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to you, Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm going to call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't want to be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits going to get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite.) 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Heck, I'd take Tickle Me Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. If I'm gonna have to suffer with him at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 5. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 6. A new career. Pet Doctor and School Teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account executive or even a buyer for Ford Motor Company for goodness sake! 7. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips. "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs. Or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 8. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 9. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie
From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder. The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. * Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. * Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL If you can piss this high, join the fire department. On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. * O'Ryan's -Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon. Beauty is only a light switch away. * Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina. I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. * Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. * Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" * Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -The Irish Times. Washington, D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. * Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina. To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra * Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. * Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. * Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married! * Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana. God is dead. -Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. -God * The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. * Revolution Books. New York, New York. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. * Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas. JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? * Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! * Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C. 867-5309 * Men's restroom. Duke Nukem 3d, first scenario, first level. Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers * Inside toilet stall door, Men's restroom, ??? Express Lane: Five beers or less * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Pheonix, AZ. You're too good for him. * Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA. No wonder you always go home alone. * Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills,
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week. ===== Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker." Bill: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way." Bill: "Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work." Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple? A. Your grip
The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however have seen it all before so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him and sure enough the little, gloved wave elicits cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually it subsides. His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep in their hearts and they will talk of it and rejoice for months." The Queen seriously doubts this...."One little nod of your head and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me." So the Pope headbutts her off the stage.
A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a make-shift campfire,
and to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is
consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the
conversation went something like this:
JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offence?"
MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."
JUDGE: "Proceed."
MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two
weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping
down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the
Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle
who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone
toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away.
Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the
rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed
it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured
that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be
more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyse your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the
charges."
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my
asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
MAN: "Well your honour, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe
it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. Let me tell what we do together with them .......... Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning working his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
---1 There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless its raining! WHY? ---2 A man's car stops outside a hotel and he immediately knows that he is bankrupt. Why does he know this? ---3 A man leaves home and walks for a distance, takes a left turn and walks the same distance, makes another left turn, and walks the same distance, makes a third left turn and walks the same distance as he gets there, two men wearing masks are awaiting him. WHO IS THIS MAN AND WHO ARE THE MASKED MEN? ---4 A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be? ---5 There is a prison built on an island in the middle of a huge lake. One morning, the warden wakes up his deputy to tell him that one of the inmates has escaped, and all he did was too tie two pieces of string together! When the deputy asks the warden who it was, the warden replies "Jones" whereupon the deputy says that that is impossible, as Jones can not swim a stroke! How did Jones escape when he cant swim at all? ---6 A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off too but some how manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man? ---7 In a ship there is a sailor named Jim, he's the worst sailor any ship can get: lazy, dumb, and a trouble maker. One day the captain said: I wish I had ten sailors like Jim. Why? ---8 A man was driving a car and picked up two hitchhikers along his way. When the man arrived to his destination, the first hitcher left the car, and the second one died. Why? ANSWERS (1) The man is very short (Vertically challenged!) and so can only reach half way up the lift buttons! However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and so can press the higher buttons with that! (2) He is playing monopoly! (3) The man was playing baseball! (4) The surgeon is the boy's mother! (5) The two pieces of string were laces to the ice skates that he ties to his feet - it was winter and the lake was frozen over! (6) It was day time! (7) There is more than 10 sailors like Jim in his ship so he wish he had less. (8) The car was a lorry without a roof or cover. It carried one coffin. the cabin was very small. After the first hitcher got in the back, it began to rain heavily. Naturally, he climbed inside the coffin to protect himself from the rain (and closed the lid). The second one saw a covered coffin, assumed there is a corpse inside and had to soak under the rain. When they arrived, the sight of the coffin lid rising killed the second guy.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way, he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
FW: Microsoft Press Announcement REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft President Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and "enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Conversation with God... One day the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", the Lord said. Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The good Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. "One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind and three you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." Boom Boom.
Q. Why do Scots have long, thin dicks? A. Because they're tight-fisted wankers.
One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him. "Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave. "Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?" "Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it? "I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister." she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."
The Business ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the salesperson "How much are the washer and dryer?" "Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said. "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically. "No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded. He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked. "Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks. "No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more. Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" "Five dollars," was the familiar response. "I'll take that too!" the man said. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
And The Year's Best Newspaper Headlines are..... Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops Off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Deer Kill 17,000 Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Hospitals are Sued by 7-Foot Doctors
This is a quote from Nik Abdul Aziz, the Chief Minister of the Malaysian State of Kelantan, during a lecture to Government employees in October 1996: "There are far too many pretty women in government offices at the moment, distracting male workers and lowering business efficiency with their pert and yielding tightness. "We must be ever watchful for possible immoral activities, and it is well-known that pretty women cause unhealthy activities that lead to insanity, blindness, sickness and bends. That is why, from now on, thorough ugliness must be considered a deciding factor at all job interviews." "Since the prettier candidate has already been blessed by God, it is only right that we should hire the uglier one. After all, if we do not choose the ugly candidates, who will?"
Top 10 Reasons computers must be male: 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you said if you push the right button. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter. Top 10 reasons Compilers must be females: 10. Picky, picky, picky. 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. 8. Beauty is only shell deep. 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say nothing. 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. 5. Always turning simple statement into big productions. 4. Smalltalk is important. 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong. 2. They make you take the garbage out. 1. Miss a period and they go wild.
DAILY PRAYER Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager. Barmen.
RECIPE AUSTRALIAN BANANA CAKE INGREDIENTS: 2 loving eyes 2 well shaped legs 2 loving arms 2 firm milk containers 2 nuts 1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 firm banana METHOD 1. Look into loving eyes. 2. Spread well shaped legs slowly. 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased (check frequently with finger.) 4. Ensure loving arms are attached to firm banana. 5. Add firm banana to mixing bowl gently - working in and out until well creamed (for best results continue to knead milk containers.) 6. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into fur-lined mixing bowl, cover with nuts, sigh with relief and leave to soak (preferably not overnight.) 7. The cake is cooked when banana is soft. (If banana doesn't soften, repeat method or change mixing bowl.) 8. If in unfamiliar kitchen, be sure to wash utensils carefully. WARNING Do NOT lick mixing bowl aftewr banana softens. If cake rises, leave town as soon as possible.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes.
Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says, "Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church!" "Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?" "Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know." "Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest. "Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know." "Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!" "Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple, ye know."
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him at says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. It will be drunk, At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillage's, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter & The lager. Barmen.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him at says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
34 REASONS WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches longer.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for 2 weeks.
3. A cucumber won't tell you that the size doesn't matter.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
6. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket and you know how
firm they are before you take one home.
7. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
8. You can go to a movie with a cucumber and see the movie.
9. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat -- a cucumber
can always wait until you get home.
10. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?"
11. A cucumber won't tell other cucumbers that you are not a
virgin any longer.
12. With a cucumber, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
13. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or make you go
to bed with your boots on.
14. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
15. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
16. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful discussions.
17. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynaecologist, ski
instructor or hairdresser.
18. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other
cucumbers in the fridge.
19. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh
cucumber.
20. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
21. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
22. Cucumbers can stay all night and you won't have to sleep in
the wet spot.
23. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your
chest, or drool on the pillow.
24. Cucumbers won't leave you wondering for a month.
25. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
26. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
27. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
28. With a cucumber the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
29. A cucumber will never leave you for:
- another man
- another woman
- another cucumber.
30. You won't find out later that your cucumber:
- is married
- is on penicillin
- likes you, but loves your brother.
31. You don't have to wait until half time to talk to your cucumber.
32. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
33. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
34. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cake and eat it!
God is very tired and he decides that he needs to take a vacation. He discusses possible destinations with Saint Peter. "Why not try Pluto?" suggests Saint Peter. God answers, "I have bad memories of Pluto. 20,000 years ago I went skiing there. I had a really bad fall." "What about Mercury? Not much skiing there." Again God declines. "10,000 years ago I visited Mercury and got badly sun burned. I still haven't forgotten." "I know!" says Saint Peter. "Go to Earth. It's not too hot and not too cold." "I can't go there either," answers God. "About 2000 years ago I knocked up this Jewish chick and they're still making a big fuss about it down there."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES He realizes that these signs are for real. And then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." she says and then leads him through many winding passages. He is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 outof his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a bloke sitting in his porch, petting his dog. He decides to have a little fun. He says to the bloke "Hey, good looking dog mate, do you mind if I have a word with it?" "The dog doesn't talk, idiot," The ventriloquist asks "Hey dog, how's it going?", the dog replies "I'm doin' okay." The dog owner looks shocked. The ventriloquist continues "Is this Kiwi your owner?" Dog replies "yep.". "How does he treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. "Very well," replies the dog "he takes me for walks, feeds me twice a day and takes me to the lake twice a week to play," The Kiwi now has a look of extreme amazement on his face, scarcely believing what he is seeing. "Mind if I talk to your horse?" asks the ventriloquist. "Horse doesn't talk either," replies the Kiwi. "how's it going ?" asks the ventriloquist "Cool," replies the horse. Once again the Kiwi looks amazed "How does your owner treat you," "Oh very well indeed thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me every day and puts me in the barn every night to protect me from the elements." Again the kiwi looks amazed. "... mind if I speak to your sheep?" the ventriloquist asks the Kiwi. "The sheep's a liar,"
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. Let me tell what we do together with them .......... Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning working his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
Beer and Ice Cream Diet As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer. Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet. Happy eating
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler >symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
This email is from the main receptionist for Sun Microsystems - it went out to all corporate employees. ------------------------------------------- To: All Corporate Employees Subject: Copier! Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 12:48PM PLEASE PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here -- keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help.
Once upon a time, an Italian family went to the zoo. Papa went to the bathroom while Mama and daughter were looking at the elephants. The little girl asked, "Mama, whatsa that thing hanging a'down from thata elephant?". Mama replied, "Thatsa his trunka". The girl said,"No, mama, whatsa that other thing?". Mama answered,"Oh,thatsa his TAIL." "NO, Mama",the girl said, "what's that OTHER thing?". After a few embarrassed seconds, Mama said, "Oh, that's a-nothing." Mama went to the bathroom when Papa returned, and the daughter asked the same questions. "Papa, whatsa that thing hanging down from thata elephanta?". "Oh, thatsa hees TRUNKA". "NO, Papa, whatsa the OTHER thing?" "Oh, thatsa hees TAIL". "NOOOOO, PAPA. THAT thing right THERE on THAT ELEPHANT!!!!!" (Daugher is gesturing and pointing wildly by now). "Oh, thatsa his 'penis'". The little girl said innocently, "Mama said it was 'nothing'". The father grabbed himself (in the traditional Italian gesture) and said, "Thats a because Mama's a SPOILED".
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your butt?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.' And I said, "'No shit.'"
MY FIRST TIME THE SKY WAS DARK, THE MOON WAS HIGH, ALL ALONE, JUST HER AND I. HER HAIR WAS SO SOFT; HER EYES SO BLUE, I KNEW JUST WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO. HER SKIN SO SOFT; HER LEGS SO FINE; I RAN MY FINGERS DOWN HER SPINE. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW, BUT I TRIED MY BEST; I STARTED BY PLACING MY HANDS ON HER BREAST. I REMEMBER MY FEAR, MY FAST BEATING HEART; BUT SLOWLY SHE SPREAD HER LEGS APART. AND WHEN I DID IT I FELT SO SHAME; ALL AT ONCE THE WHITE STUFF CAME. AT LAST IT'S ALL FINISHED; IT'S ALL OVER NOW. MY FIRST TIME EVER MILKING A COW.
THE WOG This young Italian bloke turned up at a new job he had got with a construction company. Upon arriving he was met by the foreman, who showed him the run of the job. After the foreman had explained everything to the new bloke, he said, "Well now we just have to give you a name", the Italian said back "But my name is Joe" The foreman replied by saying "No, no, from now on you will be known as The Wog. The Italian bloke came back with "What sort of discriminatory place is this, calling me The Wog just because I'm Italian" The Foreman settled him down by saying "Look The Wog you just don't understand, everyone has a name round here, look over there, you see that Irish guy, well we call him Paddy, and that Islander bloke we call him Knack, because he always has the knack of picking up things real quick and that Greek guy we call him Nick and that big white guy we call him Wack, because if you piss him off he'll just wack ya mate, so there you go, we all have a name, now get to bloody work" So The Wog went to work. As the lunch whistle sounded The Wog accidentally kicked some tools that fell onto his 4 co workers. They turned on him savagely and started to beat the hell out of him. The foreman was about to drive out to get some lunch when he noticed the 4 workers beating up on his newest starter, so he stopped and yelled out: "NICK, KNACK, PADDY, WACK LEAVE THE WOG ALONE !"
An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" "Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha." "Then, where are you?" "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!"
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non - specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
A duck walked into a pharmacy, and waddled back to the druggist's counter. The druggist looked at him and chuckled, "Hey little fella! What can I do for you?" The duck says, "I'd like a box of condoms please." The pharmacist says, "Well, sure! Would you like me to put that on your bill?" The duck says, "I'm not that kind of duck!"
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. #1: So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose, meaning that hell is exothermic. #2: Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, meaning that hell is endothermic. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Theresa Banyan during her Freshman year "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic. This student got the only A.
Ok, the story behind this... There's this tripped out guy who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute after he sent them a Barbie doll head. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have = given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due = to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a large carrot under the pillow. When Mary Jo came home, Mother demanded an explanation of the carrot. "Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past few weeks that carrot has been my husband." "Well," the Mother replied, "consider yourself a widow, because your husband went into our lunch stew!"
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is On thesecond hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Rabbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Rabbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be A lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Rabbit. Lucky frog." The man Decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Rabbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and Asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Rabbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Rabbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Rabbit.$3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the Man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across them table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Rabbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
In Melbourne one of the radio stations pay money, ($100-$500), for people to spill their most embarrassing stories. This mornings one netted the proud owner $300 AUD. As the lady said,"I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynaecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office that I had been re-scheduled for early that morning at 09:30. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about thirty five minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed up stairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the flannel and gave myself a wash in front of the basin taking extra care to make sure I was presentable, threw the flannel in the wash basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "my, we have taken a little extra effort this morning haven't we?". The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning the evening meal etc. At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mum- where's my flannel?". I called back for her to get another from the linen cupboard, She called back "No - I need my one that was here by the basin - It had all my glitter and sparkles in it".
Picture: A chicken and an egg, lying in bed side-by-side, each smoking a cigarette. Who came first?
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
One day there were two gays visiting the zoo. They made the rounds of the zoo and soon found themselves outside the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting in the corner of the cage with a huge gorilla hard-on. The one gay says to the other 'I wonder what it feels like' ... the other gay says 'There's only one way to find out and that's to touch it'. The gay reaches into the cage and touches the gorilla's hard-on ! Before he can remove his arm the gorilla graps him ... hauls him into the cage ... slams him onto the floor ... jumps on top of him ... and nearly buggers him to death. Three days later the gay wakes up in a hospital bed. A nurse comes in and says he has a visitor. It's the gay's buddy. The buddy asks 'Are you hurt?' The bedridden gay says 'HURT!... OF COURSE I'M HURT...HE HASN'T PHONED ... HE HASN'T WRITTEN ...!'
Banking A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account-right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
The Bobbitt Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn. I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake. Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do. To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
Top 10 Signs the New Mir Computer is Running Windows 95 # 10: The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue." #9: There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data, and life support files are offered as the suggested area to delete to make some room. #8: After docking with Mir, the new computer remapped all of the Space Shuttle's drives, and now the Shuttle is unable to disembark to return to Earth. #7: Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900# owned by Microsoft Support. #6: Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's computers to keep their system running. #5: Other Space Shuttles can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper driver cannot be found." #4: The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support, the satellite dish for the NFL Sunday Ticket and orbiting control thrusters at the same time. #3: The astronauts spend three days looking for Cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys to reboot the system. #2: Every time they reboot the new Mir computer, it asks if you want to use Internet Explorer as your default navigation program, and even insists that it can get you to Mars.com and back without getting lost. No guarantees that you will get your email though! And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95.... #1: You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg. "Resistance is Futile!"
Three boys are standing around talking about their fathers, trying to one-up each other. The first says to the others, "My dad is so fast, he can shoot an arrow on one side of a field, run to the other side and set up a target in time for it to hit!" One of the other boys replies, "That's nothing. My dad can shoot a bullet and run to the other side of the field and set up the target in time for it to hit!" The third boy retorts smugly, "You guys are feeble. My dad works for the government and he is so fast that he can get off at 5:00 and be home by 2:00!"
Q) What was Michael Huntchence's last hit. A) The door when the chamber maid entered the room. Q) How do you re-unite INXS? A) Get 4 more leather belts. Q) What does Michael Hutchence have that Bob Geldof doesn't? A) A widow. Q) Why does Michael Hutchence prefer to stay at the Ritz Carlton, Double Bay when he is in Sydney? A) Because it is a cool place to hang. Q) Did you hear that Elton John will sing at Michael Hutchences funeral? A) Yeh, he has rewritten the words to "The Swing" by INXS. Q) What was the last thing to go through Michael Hutchence's mind? A) "This belt is too tight". Q) Does Michael Hutchence play golf? A) No, he is too much of a choker. Q) What do Michael Hutchence and INXS groupies have in common? A) They just hang around near the hotel door. Q) Why did Paula Yates like Michael Hutchence? A) Because he was well hung. Q) What's the difference between Princess Di and Michael Hutchence? A) Michael Hutchence didn't forget to wear his belt.
This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing down his self esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be hanged that night for a capital crime. He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity. His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?" "They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!" "I understand, go take a bath. I'll get supper ready for you, Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging. Now, won't that make you feel better?" He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal. Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION." She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub. She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!" He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"
DESERT ISLAND A man is shipwrecked near a desert island and manages to swim to safety. He crawls up the beach, shattered and alone, all his possessions lost forever. As he makes his way up to the single palm tree, he notices something in the sand - it looks like a human hand. Sure enough it is a human hand, in fact it's the hand of Claudia Schiffer who was also shipwrecked at an earlier date, and then unfortunately buried by a freak sandstorm. Our hero rescues the tectonic beauty, and she is, as you can imagine, eternally grateful. For many days they live happily together - basking in the sunshine, making love in the sand, catching fresh fish, making love against the single palm tree, drinking coconut milk, making love in the sea - but despite this idyllic lifestyle, Claudia notices our hero (lets call him Bob) Bob, getting more and more restless. One day, unable to control her curiosity, she confronts him: "Darling, Bob, is there anything wrong?" Bob sighs, and replies "Claudia, this is all really great, and you're a babe and all, but I can't go on like this any longer." Claudia is disconsolate. "What is it Bob? Do I not please you? Do I not cater for your every need and desire? Is there anything I could do that would make it better?" Bob (warily): "well there is one thing - would you mind taking and putting on my trousers?" Claudia is spooked, but agrees, and Bob removes his tatty trousers and hands them over. She put them on. Bob (more excited now): "Great, now will you put on my shirt?" Claudia reticently does as she is told. Bob (in raptures): "Brilliant. Now will you tie back your hair and draw a moustache on with this charcoal and go over there behind the single palm tree and then walk out from behind it and say "Hello, Bob, it's me, your old friend Jim!"?" Claudia can't stand this and refuses. But Bob is persistent, and so excited by this point that eventually she agrees to his request on the condition that it is a one off and she will never have to do it again. She does as requested and, when she is ready, she steps out nervously from behind the single palm tree. Claudia: "Hello, Bob, it's me, your old friend Jim!" Bob: "Jim! Mate! You will not BELIEVE who I'm shagging!"
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says "is that you Matthew?" "Yes father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you." The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What happened?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
DESERT ISLAND A man is shipwrecked near a desert island and manages to swim to safety. He crawls up the beach, shattered and alone, all his possessions lost forever. As he makes his way up to the single palm tree, he notices something in the sand - it looks like a human hand. Sure enough it is a human hand, in fact it's the hand of Claudia Schiffer who was also shipwrecked at an earlier date, and then unfortunately buried by a freak sandstorm. Our hero rescues the tectonic beauty, and she is, as you can imagine, eternally grateful. For many days they live happily together - basking in the sunshine, making love in the sand, catching fresh fish, making love against the single palm tree, drinking coconut milk, making love in the sea - but despite this idyllic lifestyle, Claudia notices our hero (lets call him Bob) Bob, getting more and more restless. One day, unable to control her curiosity, she confronts him: "Darling, Bob, is there anything wrong?" Bob sighs, and replies "Claudia, this is all really great, and you're a babe and all, but I can't go on like this any longer." Claudia is disconsolate. "What is it Bob? Do I not please you? Do I not cater for your every need and desire? Is there anything I could do that would make it better?" Bob (warily): "well there is one thing - would you mind taking and putting on my trousers?" Claudia is spooked, but agrees, and Bob removes his tatty trousers and hands them over. She put them on. Bob (more excited now): "Great, now will you put on my shirt?" Claudia reticently does as she is told. Bob (in raptures): "Brilliant. Now will you tie back your hair and draw a moustache on with this charcoal and go over there behind the single palm tree and then walk out from behind it and say "Hello, Bob, it's me, your old friend Jim!"?" Claudia can't stand this and refuses. But Bob is persistent, and so excited by this point that eventually she agrees to his request on the condition that it is a one off and she will never have to do it again. She does as requested and, when she is ready, she steps out nervously from behind the single palm tree. Claudia: "Hello, Bob, it's me, your old friend Jim!" Bob: "Jim! Mate! You will not BELIEVE who I'm shagging!"
One day, Jeff Kennett is being driven through the Victorian outback, when his driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a pig on the side of the road, killing it. Jeff suggests to the driver that he should go up to the farm house and apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the damages. An hour later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cuban cigar in the other, and swaying left to right as he walked. Jeff asks the driver what happened. "Well, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to me!" "Bloody hell - what did you tell them?" "I said 'Hi, I'm Jeff Kennett's driver, and I just killed the pig!'"
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."
Q: Does Michael Hutchence play golf? A: No, he is too much of a choker Q: What was Michael Hutchence' last drink? A: He had a quick belt Q: What do Michael Hutchence and INXS groupies have in common? A: They just hang around near the hotel door Q: Why did Paula Yates like Michael Hutchence? A: Because he was well hung Q: What was Michael Hutchence' last hit? A: The door when the chamber maid entered the room Q: How do you reunite INXS? A: Get 4 more leather belts Q: What does Michael Hutchence have the Bob Geldork doesn't? A: A widow Q: Why does Michael Huitchence prefer to stay at the Ritz Carlton, Double Bay when he is in Sydney? A: Because it is a cool place to hang Q: Did you hear that Elton John will continue his funeral tour at Michael Hutchence' funeral? A: he has rewritten the words to 'The Swing" by INXS Q: What was the last thing to go through Michael Hutchence' mind? A: This belt is too tight Q: What's the difference between Lady Di and Michael Hutchence? A: Lady Di was alive when she left the Ritz
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE AN INTERNET JUNKIE 1. You wake up a 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 2.0 or higher." 3. You name your children Aol and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment. 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 7. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 8. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed. 10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 12. You start introducing yourself as "David at I-I-Net dot net dot com" 13. All of your friends have an @ in their names. 14. Your dog has its own home page. 15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. 18. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are; they have neutral screen names and you haven't asked. 19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 20. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison. garden/house/brick.html 21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager." The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager." The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager." The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager." And so it went on -------- the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager. Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager,and so it happened. All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit. The moral of the story is: "You don't have to be a brain to be a manager--just an asshole!"
WHAT NOT TO SAY IN BIOLOGY CLASS: In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had said (or implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class and never returned. As she was going out the door, the Professor replied, totally straight-faced, that, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Some incredibly interesting useless facts to get you through the week:
a) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
b) If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front
leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle;
if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.
c) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
and purple.
d) Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."
e) Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
f) There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
g) Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
h) "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
i) The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50
caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before
being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo
at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
j) The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
k) The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
l) The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
m) The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
n) Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
o) Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in
Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm.
All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day
was chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in
the morning and being too sleepy to realize that *this* was the
day of the changeover.
p) The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World
War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
q) Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."
r) In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."
s) Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
t) More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air
crashes.
u) The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is
from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No
eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be
disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.
v) A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
w) The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
x) Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
y) Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
z) Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
aa) The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.
bb) An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
cc) The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
1. What does DIANA stand for? Died In A Nasty Accident! 2. What does DODI stand for? Died Opposite DI. or ... Died Of Driver Intoxication ... Died On Dashboard Impact 3. What did St Peter say to Di at the Pearly Gates? Wipe that greasy "merc" off your face. 4. What did Di wear for her funeral? A dark blue bonnet. 5. What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile accident? Well, that's the way the Mercedes BENZ. 6. What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes? They both make Royal Jelly. 7. What's the difference between a Mercedes 600 and a can of spam? They give you a key to get the meat out a can of spam. 8. Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS? Pulverised Mercedes Syndrome. 9. What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver. 10.Did you hear that Di has a new chauffeur? Ayrton Senna. 11.What's the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life? Taxi. 12.What was the last thing Diana & Dodi had to drink? 4 Harvey Wallbangers, 2 Slammers, followed by 7 chasers 13.What does Di rest her head on? A pillar. 14.What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian? A solidly-built Pole. 15.What did Princess Diana die of? Car-pole-tunnel syndrome. 16.What did Diana say to Dodi when he asked to marry her? She wanted something more concrete in her life. 17.What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car smash? Was Fergie with her? 18.What did Prince Charles say when he heard the news? "Shall I garage your motorbike, Mum?" 19.What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas? A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes 20.Why does Prince Charles use Energiser Batteries? Because they, "Never say Di". 21.What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the Paris Ritz. 22.What sound did the ambulance make? Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi... 23.Dodi's Tomb was to be fitted with central heating until they realised that he already had a radiator on his chest. 24.What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring? Aren't we moving a bit to fast! 25.What's harder than getting ink out of the carpet? Getting Di out of the upholstery 26.What did Dodi say to his chauffeur? "Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?" 27.Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her? It's going to be called "Di hard". or ... "Live and Let Di" 28.Why did Elton John sing at the funeral? Because he's the only queen who cares. 29.Why did the Poms want to cremate Di? That way they finally get to keep the ashes! (cricket) 30.What do Ferrero Rocher and Princess Di have in common? They both come out of France in a box. 31.Dodi - " Well my dear would you like to stay the night at my luxury home? - its a couple of hours drive from here I'm afraid !" Diana - " Oh Dodi I'm sure we can find somewhere nearer to crash for the night!!" 32.What was the last thing Princess Di saw before she died? (Or, What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind?) The Steering Wheel or ... the dashboard ... the windscreen ... the engine block ... the back of her head ... etc. 33.Have you heard that Princess Diana was on the radio? And the dashboard, and the windscreen, and... 34.What would Diana be doing if she were alive today? Trying to claw her way out of her coffin.
(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way! Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity? A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!
When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football. When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
Elton John has a tribute record for Michael Hutchence its called "Dangle in the Wind"
This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday Afternoon, and are watching the auctioning of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off. A fine specimen,this bull reproduced 60 times last year. The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold:Another fine specimen.this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.Again the wife bugs her husband. "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year! The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!"
Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions..... But Never Will 1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex 2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking icecream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat 3. You've got no chance of me calling you. 4. No, I won't be gentle 5. Of course you have to swallow 6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time 7. I hate your fucking friends 8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to youafter tonite. 9. I'd rather watch a porno 10.Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to fuck it. Eleven Things You Never Hear a Woman Say 1. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim 2. You take me out too much, can't we just stay in 3. A fake one will do 4. You look stressed out, let me give you a blowjob 5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it 6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body 7. My mother is a real old bitch 8. No, No, you buy me too much already 9. Give it to me hard up the arse, big boy; you know I love it 10.What headache 11.Put your money away, let me buy the round
TOOTHPICKS There's this landlord who runs a very popular pub. Every day and night he's rushed off his feet. Well one night it's not so busy and he thinks "Great, I can get to bed nice and early if I kick everyone out on time." So closing time comes and he gets rid of everyone really quickly, locks all the doors, and has his final check round he pub. All of a sudden there's banging at the door so he goes to the door and unlocks it. Outside there's this tramp. "Don't s'pose you gotta toofpick mate?" says the tramp. "Hold on" says the landlord, "I'll get you one". So the landlord goes behind the bar gets a toothpick, returns to the door and hands it to the tramp."Many thanks guv" says the tramp, "you're a real sport" and with that he turns and leaves. The landlord thinks "Thank Christ for that", locks the door, and turns out all the lights, and is just about to go upstairs when he hears this banging at the door. He goes to the door, unlocks it and outside there's another tramp. "Don't s'pose you gotta toofpick mate?" says the tramp. "Hold on" says the landlord, "I'll get you one". So the landlord goes behind the bar gets a toothpick, returns to the door and hands it to the tramp. "Many thanks" says the tramp, "you're a real diamond" and with that he turns and leaves. The landlord locks the door, turns out the lights, and heads for bed. He gets almost to the top of the stairs when he hears this banging at the door. "What the hell's going on" he yells, as he goes to the door. He opens the door and there's another tramp standing there. "Hold on a minute, Ill get you one" says the landlord. "One what?" says the tramp. "A toothpick" replies the landlord. "I don wanna toofpick" says the tramp, "I wanna straw!" This confused the landlord so he says what on earth do you want a straw for at this time of night?" "Well" says the tramp, "Some bloke's puked up out here an' all the good bits 'ave gone!"
WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES
1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with
"Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him
and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born
yet."
9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and one
glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and
sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to
the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he
was mistaken!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut down and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one ?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied: "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed: " You're right! O.K. I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said: "O.K. now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back ?"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain." The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."
You Have Flunked Sex Education If You Said...
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3. Spread eagle is an extinct bird.
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
8. Anus is a Latin term for sailors.
9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
12. Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
17. An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East
22. Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
25. Douche is the French word for "two."
UNIX is a man's Operating System unzip, touch, finger, mount, root, unmount, sleep or if you don't like the recipient... unzip, touch, finger, mount cat, root, unmount, sleep
Macarena Lyrics (Hairy Palm Remix) TO THE TUNE OF THE MACARENNA... Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona, Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona. Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona. Hey Masturbata!! I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea, Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea. If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea. Hey Masturbata!! I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina, Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana. Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena Hey Masturbata!! I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta, One hand on the wheel and the other's on my meata. I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seata. Hey Masturbata!! Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbata, choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata. I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her. Hey, Masturbata!! Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona, Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga. Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga. Hey, Masturbata!!
The pet store was selling monkeys for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety- nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs
Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting
paid for all the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been
drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had
taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk,
the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that
stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and she isn't even back yet!
What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to
stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
Feller arrives in Hades and is shown to a room. The Devil tells him that if he likes what's going on in there, that's it for him for eternity. He looks across the room and there is a feller with one arm round a beer jug, the other round a fabulous woman. The guy says "Is this really Hell?" and the Devil replies "Sure is - the jug's got a hole in it and the woman hasn't".
Q Why do women wear make-up and perfume? A Because they're ugly and they smell.
Windows95:n. A 32 bit extension and graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Feeling Stressed Out? Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!... back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now... feeling better?
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
One day a 12 year boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says " I want one of you women". The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you are a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women". The madam says "Okay, have a seat she'll be down in about 20 minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women with active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "Active herpes." She responds, "Okay, have a seat, it'll be about 10 minutes." Ten minutes later a woman comes out, they go upstairs, (dragging the dead frog behind them) and do their thing.............. As the boy is leaving, the madam asks him "Tell me, why did you want a woman with active herpes?" the kid replies... "When I get home, I'm going to screw the babysitter, and when Mom and Dad get home, Dad will take the babysitter home and screw her on the way. And when he gets home, he and Mom are going to go upstairs and screw. And tomorrow morning after Dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and Mom will screw him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog!"
A man walked into a bank. "I want to open a fuckin' checking account," the man said. "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" the teller replied. "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now!" "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in the bank!" With that the teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him the problem. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no fuckin' problem," the man said, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this fuckin' bank!" "I see Sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd? A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up. Q: What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet? A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it. Q: What's got four legs and one arm ? A: A Rottweiler. Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?. A: Fucks funny! Q: Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts? A: He got 16 months. Q: What do you call grit in a condom? A: An organ grinder! Q: Whats green and eats nuts? A: Herpes! Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: Because it got pissed off. Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!
A penguin driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called the AAA and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him that he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem. So the penguin went to the local supermarket, bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage. The mechanic, on seeing him return, came over, wiping his hands on a rag and shaking his head, "Looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers and replied, "Oh, no! It's just ice cream!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." Both were excused.
The Conscience A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first......" This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "but they probably weren't vets...."
An Italian, a Fenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed. The Italian says - "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy". The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe myself clean on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof !!!"
Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There's no trick or surprise, but, trust me: just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them... really. What is: 1+5 ? 2+4 ? 3+3 ? 4+2 ? 5+1 ? Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. then page down QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then page down. You're thinking of a carrot right? If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
There was a new priest who was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor. 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples not 10. 4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass. 5. WE do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys." 6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 7. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T." 8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." 9. The recomended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!" 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 12. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 13. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
A guy goes into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, "Man, you look terrible. What's the problem?" The guy says, "I just caught my girl friend in bed with my best friend." Bartender: "That's awful. What did you do?" Guy: "I threw her naked ass out onto the front lawn, threw her clothes out after her and told her that we were finished and I never wanted to see her again." Bartender: "Good for you - that was pretty tough. What did you do to your best friend?" Guy: "I shook my finger at him and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, all restrooms were occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants "ladies room" but cautioned him "DO NOT PRESS ANY OF THE BUTTONS!". There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR The man finished his business in the restroom facility but his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha," he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow.
AUSTRALIAN BAR TROUBLESHOOTING CHART SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless FAULT: Glass Empty ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backwards. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long, and is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted (almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly) into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening, and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully twice or three times a day, but often much less. WHAT IS IT?
DON'T CHEAT, BECAUSE IF YOU DO IT WON'T WORK. DRAW THE PIG FIRST AND JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS. IT WON'T TAKE BUT A MINUTE. HAVE FUN. ***************************************************************** THIS IS QUITE INTERESTING! YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE. NO CHEATING, NOW. YOU WILL FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING IF YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE FIRST! On a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Go on. Do it now! Then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!! Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first. ************************************************ YOU'RE CHEATING, DAMMIT! DRAW THE FRIGGIN PIG!!! The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer. If the pig is drawn: Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic. Toward the middle, you are a realist. Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively. Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.) Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates. Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions. With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful. With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker. With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change. With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals. The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better. The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!! (And again more is better! Doesn't it go without saying?) OK, who didn't draw a tail?
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language. The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and i'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!
Special Frog An attractive, slim, big breasted woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small dog to keep her company. The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any ordinary pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a glass tank and pointed to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?", he asked. The woman answered, in anger, that she hardly thought a frog would be a suitable companion. "Ah", replied the salesman, "but this 'bullfrog' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women." At this the woman's eyes lit up. She gladly offered $500 for the frog, and left the store smiling from ear to ear. Arriving home, she took a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly relaxed, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She poked the frog with her finger. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her vagina. Nothing happened. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over. Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She did so, by removing her nightgown and lying down in the same position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You see? You see?", she repeated. "Yes, I do", said the man. Then, he turned to the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, and said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues, " he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
Why are wives married in white? - aren't all kitchen appliances white...?
An English taxidermist, is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and, in his well educated voice, asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man." One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?" "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist." "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?" "I mount d..d..dead animals." "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "he's one of us!"
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground? Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified By scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.
Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "may I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get in there." 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now." 14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott." 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
Jon, a somewhat simple minded young fella, decided to let himself be pamperred and went into a brothel. Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him, "Sure we can pamper you enough, but as to how much is dependent onto how much money you have with you." Looking into his wallet Jon stated, "Well all I have is $10." Laughing the madam exclaims, "Well for ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself." Looking a bit depressed, and obviously let down having expected more, Jon went outside. After a few minutes, he returned. A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him, "What are you doing back here?!" Jon said, "I'm finished and would like to pay "
In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal. In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas". "Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"? "Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long,and is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted (almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly) into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening, and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully twice or three times a day, but often much less. WHAT IS IT? (answer is below... read on!) ANSWER: A Toothbrush (what were you thinking? ...you perverted sicko!)
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip..
When you blow me, you feel good.
What am I ?
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
What am I ?
3. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I'm called a big swinger.
What am I ?
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn't a maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
What am I ?
5. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
What am I ?
6. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
What am I ?
7. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
What am I ?
8. All day long, it's in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
What am I ?
9. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
What am I ?
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.
What am I ?
11. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
What am I ?
12. My shaft is stiff and hard
My tip penetrates deep.
I come with a quiver.
What am I ?
13. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
What am I ?
Answers
1 . Nose
2. Peanut Butter
3. A crane
4. The Titanic
5. A Tent
6. Dentist
7. A Wedding Ring
8. An Elevator
9. Chewing Gum
10. Newspaper Boy
11. Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney
What's Princess Diana getting for Xmas - The Queen mother What Have Di & Ian Wright got in common ? Both hit the post 4 times at the weekend What was the French mortuary attendant singing when he got the body bags?.........Zip-a-de Dodi, Zip-a-de Di What did Dodi say to his chaffeur?............"Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?" What's the difference between George Best and Dodi's chaffeur? George Best can still take corners when he's pissed. What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di?............Tiger Woods has a good driver. What is Dodi's new pet name for Di?................Squidgy Diana was all over the radio on the day of the crash.........and the dashboard....and the steering wheel..... How did the crash investigators know that Di had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard.... What's the difference between Dodi and Di and Charles and Camilla?.............Dodi and Di are just a crush knock knock......who's there?......Di........Di who?...............See, easily forgotten. What did Di wear for her funeral?.............A dark blue bonnet. Apparently Dodi asked Diana whether she wanted to crash at his place or hers. What's the Queens favourite car?...............A smashed up Princess
The following occurred today 18/9/97, and was too good not to pass on: One of the PCs broke down today, and a witness claims to have heard it pop. I took this to be a figure of speech, but they insisted that the machine actually made a POPPING sound. The PC reported a MEMORY PARITY ERROR. Now for some background info...we are looking at upgrading all the equipment at the Turf Club, so in the meantime we are trying to spend as little as possible to keep things running. Recently, one of the users was having trouble with their machine. When I got into it, it turns out the clips holding one of the 8Mg RAM cards in had broken, and thus there was nothing holding the RAM in place. Short term solution - hold it in place with a rubber band. No problems - worked like a dream. Now can you guess how you get a MEMORY PARITY ERROR accompanied by a popping sound? That's right - the rubber band broke, sending RAM ricochetting through the case... Dodgy brothers strike again...
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, your bridge, do you want two lanes or four?"
John Bobbit's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep I pray my penis I will keep And if I wake and it is gone I hope I'll find it on the lawn I hope the dog that's running free Don't see that little part of me And many cautions I must take To keep that part I love to shake Much attention must I pay To see the knives are put away The mower, chainsaw, and hatchet, too There's just no telling what she'll do So I cross my fingers, close my eyes, And cross my legs to avoid surprise!!!
A guy visiting a hospital is walking down the corridor with his doctor, getting the grand tour. They see a man leaning up against the wall with his pants down around his knees, jerking off. "What the hell is that all about?" asks the guy. The doctor replies that the patient has Seminal Fluid Accumulation Syndrome and if he doesn't ejaculate every 15 minutes, he will go into a coma. They turn a corner and encounter another patient with his pants down around his ankles, but this one has a pretty young nurse kneeling in front of him, giving him a blow-job. "What's the story here?" asks the visitor. "Same condition," says the doctor, "Better health insurance."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY RACING IS BETTER THAN SEX !
10. It is socially acceptable to race while others watch.
9. During a real hot lap, if you call your bike the wrong name, it
will still finish the race.
8. Bikes with small engines often outperform big engines.
7. You don't have to sit through dinner and a show before you race.
6. Your race bike won't leave you if you ride another bike.
5. You can ride hard right from the start.
4. You and your bike always finish at the same time.
3. You always know where to put your hands.
2. Your bike will never stop running just because you forgot the
day you bought it.
1. THE CROWD CHEERS WHEN YOU FINISH FIRST.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror,mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and making building improvements, etc... After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? Thats a mistake he should never have gotten down there, send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What!" the coach says in a panick, "How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ....."Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ....."Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ...."Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.
Judi walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound! Judi said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud....."
A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horse bolts in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven. Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, and as he does so he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge." The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing hysterically. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The guy replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"
TOP TEN REASONS WHY SEX IS BETTER THAT RACING! 10. Bikes overheat if you don't lubricate them correctly. 9. If you fall off in the middle of a really hot shag you don't get hurt. 8. It's not the size of your engine that matters, but how you use it. 7. 6. 5. It doesn't matter whether you ride hard from the start, or start slowly and finish hard. 4. It doesn't matter who finishes first. 3. You don't need to use your hands. 2. 1. THE CROWD CHEERS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FINISH FIRST!
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things You Can Learn From Children: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. * If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite. * A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. * If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 room. * Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. * When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's too late. * Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. * A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. * A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. * If you use a waterbed as home plate, and slide in while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq" house 4" deep * Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not. * Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. * Super glue is forever. * McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. * No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you can't walk on water Pool filters do not like Jell-O. * VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. * Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. * Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. * You probably do not want to know what that odor is. * Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. * The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. * Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. * A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Peter was down at the golf club one Saturday morning, when he met a stranger to the club. The stranger said, "Do you mind if I join you for a round?" Peter says, "Grand, no problem" So they set off for the first tee. Now there was one puzzling thing about this stranger, he was carrying an attache case around with him during the round. He'd be walking up to take his shot with the attache case in his hand. He'd put it down carefully, take his shot, and then pick it up and continue down the fairway. Now, Peter was puzzled by this behavior, and asked him why he was carrying the attache case around. No matter how hard he pleaded with him, the stranger wouldn't tell him. Eventually, on the ninth green, Peter's curiosity got the better of him, and he said "Right Lad, if you don't show me what's in the case, I'm going to go home!" So the stranger sighs and opens the case. Inside there is a long range rifle, with telescopic sights. Peter says "Jesus! What the fuck are you carrying that thing around for?" "It's my job," says the stranger, "I'm a hitman." Peter says "Here let me look through the sights." So the hitman assembles it and gives it to Peter. Peter takes careful aim and shouts "Jesus, I can see for miles! Look there's my local church, and if I'm not mistaken, that's my house and I can see right in through the windows!" At this point he peers into his bedroom and sees his wife shagging his next door neighbor. Peter says "Shit! That bitch is dead. How much do you want for a hit, Stranger?" "One hundred quid for each bullet I use" "Right, get that neighbor of mine in the balls, and shoot the bitch in the head." So, the stranger starts aiming, and moving the gun around. After about two minutes the stranger is still moving the gun around and squinting. Peter says "Hurry up, or we'll be rumbled" "Shut up," says the stranger, "I'm trying to save you a bit of money........'cause I can manage the hits with one bullet!!"
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Jenny, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Jenny, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now, Johnny is about to expolde as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Jonny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
A man decided to have a face lift for his 47th birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result . On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he Says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" The clerk replies "about 35". "I'm actually 47", the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes to McDonalds for lunch, and asks the cashier the same question, to which the reply is, "you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" And now he's feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is bad. But I do know a sure way to tell a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with you for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." No one else was around, so he thought what the hell and let her put her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, I'm done, you are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "There's no magic to it, I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
Okay... so did any of you hear about the person who ordered a Big Mac at MacDonalds and it had a condom in it??!! Apparently this really happened??!! Anyhow.... David Letterman was on top of things..... Here is his top 10 list!!!! "McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac". As presented on the 08/22/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan" 9. Condom, condiment--what's the damn difference? 8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe" 7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake 6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true 5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal" 4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway 3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?" 2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device" 1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were. So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another ``|'' on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night. The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"
,,,, ,,,,
..ooo*"""""""**ooooo .oo**"""""*ooo..
.oo*" "*o.oo*" "*o.
.o" 'o" "o
oo o *o
.oo o 'o
oo o
o.
oo o o
o% \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ .o
"o o o
oo o o
^o. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
"o ""oo,, ,,,oO-'oo, ,,,,,, ..po"o
o. """""" oo """"" .o
'o oo o'
*o oo o
'o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
Here are some rules for women...
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different,
it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail.
Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is.
He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, that's a good idea. What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said, "Yes," but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
My brother and I were walking along the street to a friend's house. I was maybe half-a-step in front of him, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him look up and then down really quickly. I turned around and didn't see anything, so I asked him "What did you see?" "A bird." Looking around again I still didn't see anything. I asked "Where, in the sky?" He said, "No, digging a tunnel." To which I replied.. "Oh, I see. A myna bird."
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
A man on safari in the South American jungles was captured by a tribe of cannibals. He was taken back to the village and placed in a big cooking pot. Obviously scared of being cooked and eaten, he pleaded with the tribespeople until they finally agreed to let him see their chief. The man begged the chief to let him go saying that he would do anything. The chief thought for a while and agreed to let him go if he completed the 3 hut challenge. "Anything !!!" said the man. So the chief brought the man to a small > field. In the middle of the field, there were 3 huts. "In the first hut, there are 12 barrells of rum." the chief explained. "You must drink all the rum and not leave a single drop." "In the second hut, there is a very angry lion with a sore tooth. You must pull that tooth out with your bare hands." "In the third hut, is my daughter. She is a virgin. You must make a woman out of her." The man thought about this for a while and deciding it was alot better than dying agreed to take up the challenge. So, he went in the first hut and the door was closed behind him. After a full day, the door opened and out stumbled the man obviously completely shit faced. "Wherez iz that f__king lion?!" The chief directed him into the second hut and shut the door. Lots of screaming and banging ensued and after a few hours, the noise stopped and the door opened. The man stumbled out, still pissed but now covered in scratches with blood dripping everywhere. "Alzright" he exclaimed "wherzz that lady with the sore tooth?"
So, there's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful beer town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of Anheiser-Busch orders a Bud, the president of Carlsberg orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma SO HAIRY, Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro! Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker SO SLUTTY, Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt. SO GREASY, Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco! TEETH SO YELLOW, Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter! Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter SO LAZY, Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs SO SKINNY, Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared SO BALD, Yo momma so bald you can see what's on her mind Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed GLASSES SO THICK, Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future HAS, Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaude Yo momma has no ears I seen her trying on sunglasses HOUSE SO SMALL, Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind HOUSE SO DIRTY, Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside HEAD SO SMALL, Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died MISC, Yo momma breath so bad when she yawns her teeth duck Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on Yo momma twice the man you are Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9 Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear Yo momma middle name is Rambo Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more" Yo momma so grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS" Yo momma threw a frizbee three weeks ago that hasn't landed yet Yo mamma is so skinny her nipples touch. From Jim in Phoenix. Yo mamma is so hairy she has got sideburns on her tits Yo mamma is so fat she has to do the laundry on the driveway Yo mamma is like a tv : even a 2 year old can turn her on Yo mamma is like the habour bridge 2 bucks and your on Yo mamma is like luna park 15 bucks for the whole day Yo mamma is so fat she had to be baptised in sea world Yo mamma is so fat she sweats gravy Yo mamma is like Australia's wonderland 5 bucks after 5 Your mama's ears are so big she can hear sign language. Your mama's ears are so big she can hear what I'm thinking. Your mama's ears are so big she can hear farts on the way. Your mama's so small she doesn't have an ass just a spinal cord with an anus on it. Your mama's so old when Jesus parted the Red Sea she was on the other side fishing. Your mama's so old she farts dust. Your mama's so old powdered milk comes out her breast. Your mama's so small she can sit on a dime and swing her legs. Your mama's so old she took a chariot to high school. Your mama's so thin she could handglide on a Dorito. Your mama's house is so small I put the key in the lock and broke the window. Your mama's house is so small I walked in the front door and triped over the back fence. Your mama's house is so poor they tore it down and put up a slum. Your mama's so old she was there on the first day of slavery. Your mama's so country that she thought an elevator was a mobile home. Your mama's so short she can walk under the bed with high heels on. Your mama's breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out. Your mama's house is so poor it has a kickstand. Your mama's teeth are so yellow that when she used Aim she missed. Your mama's teeth are so yellow that I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER! Your mama's lips are so big that when she smiles her hair get wet. Your mama's so fat that when you have sex with her you have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Your mama's so fat that she uses the equator as a belt. Your mama's so stupid that she failed a blood test. Your mama's so fat her blood type is Ragu. Your mama's so stupid on her application where it said sign she put Scorpio.
Technology for the country folks: LOG ON making a wood stove hotter LOG OFF don't add no more wood MONITOR keeping an eye on the woodstove DOWNLOAD getting the farwood out of the truk MEGA HERTZ when yer not keerful getting the farwood FLOPPY DISK whacha git from trying to carry too much farwood RAM that thar thing whut splits the farwood HARD DRIVE gettin home in the winter time PROMPT whut the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS whut to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN whut to shut when it's blak fly season BYTE whut them flys do CHIP munchies fer the t.v. MICRO CHIP whut left in the muchie bag MODEM whatcha did to the hay field DOT MATRIX old dan matrix wife LAP TOP whar the kitty sleep KEYBOARD whar ya hang the keys SOFTWARE them plastic folks and knifs MOUSE what eats the grain in the barn MAIN FRAME what hold up the barn ruf PORT Fancy flatlander wine ENTER northern talk fer y'all c'mon in RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY when ya cain't 'menber whut ya paid fer yer rifle when yore wife asks MOUSE PAD that hippie talk fer the rat hole
*** Male Definitions vs. Female Definitions *** 1. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer. 2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys. 3. Butt (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: The organ of mooning. 4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges. 6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. 7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up. 8. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n. female: A woman who makes love to other women. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on. 9. Making love (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "bonking" to get women to bonk. 10. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 5 channels every 2 1/2 minutes. 11. Taste (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out. 12. Thingie (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 13. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing cricket without a box.
Juvenile Expression =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [puportedly practicing the perfect pucker]. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxey lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated... He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror. Beaverton School District Beaverton, Oregon
Supposedly true story about the passengers onboard a recent Qantas flight to Cairns during a rough storm: The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom: "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it! But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. "On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Cairns." After a short pause and several clicks, there came a few words more... "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her: "Don't forget the coffee!"
Upon investigating a fire in Knoxville, Tennessee, firemen found, in a room plastered with heavy metal posters, the nude body of a 16-year-old boy with a cow's heart attached to his genitals. Initial suspicions of ritual murder were dismissed when they read a copy of the underground porn magazine Ovid. They discovered instructions for the construction of a sex toy made from a fresh cows heart and an electrical circuit powered by batteries, which makes the heart beat. Unfortunately, the boy had plugged his stimulator into the mains, electrocuted himself and set the house on fire. A man of 20 reported to a casualty department complaining of pain in his rectum. The examination revealed a hard, stony mass. According to the man, he had been "fooling around" with his boyfriend, which involved lying on his back with his feet against the wall, while his boyfriend inserted a funnel in his rectum and poured a quantity of concrete mix through it. The man underwent surgery to remove the by now solid lump of concrete, which weighed 275 grams, and on further examination, was also found to contain a ping-pong ball. An hour and a half after he had told his wife he was going shooting, a 40-year-old airline pilot was found chained and crushed against the side of his Volkswagen Beetle. The ignition was on, the steering wheel was tied as far as it would turn to the left, and the car had been travelling in circles. The man was naked, apart from a series of straps similar to a parachute harness, and secured to the side of the car by a heavy chain. It appears that he had removed his clothes and chained himself to the back bumper of the car, which he had set on 'autopilot'. He jogged along behind it and when he wanted to stop the 'game', he went towards the car, which ran over the chain. As the chain slowly wound around the axle it reeled the man inexorably towards the car, and with no means of escape, he was eventually asphyxiated against the bumper. A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra and ripped it to shreds. A 62-year-old farmer was found dead in his barn by a neighbour, crushed beneath the hydraulic scoop of his tractor. He was wearing stockings and a pair of shoes with an eight-inch heel and his ankles were tied to a four-foot length of pipe, which was itself chained to the scoop. By pulling on a pair of ropes, he could raise the scoop and suspend himself upside-down. Beside the dead body was a broken length of four-by-two, which was meant to act as a safety feature when the scoop was lowered, by stopping it from hitting the ground. Unfortunately, as the scoop came down, it had snapped the wood and continued downwards, trapping the man beneath it and crushing him. A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from the night shift to find his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped a slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt up and took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic surgery to restore the damage. A 34 year-old New-Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his girlfriend, however, he couldn't get rid of his erection, and after three days he went to the doctor in search of help. Shortly afterwards, he developed blood clots in various parts of his body, gangrene set in and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis. A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended up in hospital after attempting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although their explanations are rarely so straightforward. One 60-year-old man was changing the plug of the Hoover when it "mysteriously switched itself on" and sucked him in. A 65 year-old signalman bent down to pick up his tools and caught his penis in a nearby vacuum, while another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off when the accident happened. Bizarrely, all were in a state of almost total undress when their accidents happened. While enjoying an early morning swim, Brazilian Claudiomiro Marques decided to experiment with the sexual properties of swimming pool filters. Unfortunateiy, the structure of the filter combined with the degree of suction, meant that his penis became jammed fast. Doctors were called, who evantually managed to extricate him from his terrible predicament, although not before concerned bystanders had first contributed to the rescue procedure by attempting to demolish the wall of the pool. An Australian tourist woke one morning on his holiday in Thailand to discover his passport and money had vanished during the night. He cast his mind back, and the last thing he could remember was sucking on the nipples of a transvestite prostitute. After going to the police and making an embarrassing confession, the police were able to track down the perpetrator, who explained that he had used a tranquiliser on his nipples, a necessary subterfuge as many sex tourists didn't drink. A Somalian trucker reported to his doctor wearing rubber incontinence pants, and claiming that over the previous month he had been experiencing up to 40 involuntary ejaculations daily, He believed his condition was brought on by chewing the drug Khat. A week later, he suffered total erection failure, and even lengthy abstinence from the drug failed to restore his sexual ability. His doctor believed he had used up his lifetime's supply of orgasms. A patient in the USA went to see his doctor, and was checked for haemorrhoids. During the examination, the doctor asked if he was enjoying it, at which point the patient turned around and noticed that the doctor was masturbating. The doctor was given one year's probation. When the guests at a wedding reception in Sussex sat down to watch a video of the proceedings, they were surprised to see pictures of the man who owned the video camera enjoying himself, on a bed, with the neighbour's Staffordshire bull terrier. His defence in court was that he had made it to prove that pornographic films used trick photography, and that no sex had taken place. He received a six-month suspended sentence. A young couple appeared in casualty one evening, he with a bleeding and lacerated organ and she with serious bruising around the head. It appears that during the course of providing her husband with oral sex in the kitchen (starters?) the young lady had suffered a "grand mal" epileptic fit, clamping her jaws closed on her husband's wedding tackle. In great pain and fear of actually losing the aforementioned penis, he grabbed a convenient heavy implement (a saucepan - fortunately empty) and used it to render his wife unconscious, so that she would release her grip.
Went down to the 1st Annual South-West Tattoo Show in Bussleton with the Extreme Team on Saturday, leaving about 1pm. This is a show put on by the Rebels MC, who staged the event at their clubhouse 16km from Bussleton. This had to be arranged at extremely short notice because of the refusal of the original site (Vasse hotel) to allow the event. Many coppers on the way down, mostly stopping bikes. I read in the paper that bugger all was found, 8 pissy drivers out of 5000 vehicles stopped and a few cases of mull in the pocket. Value for money, I don't think. The clubhouse is a nice-looking farmhouse set in real farmin' country. The stage was kinda small - it was one of those trucks where the side opens out. Next year the Rebels plan on building their own. We went on at about 10pm, to a capacity crowd :-) about 200-300 pissed-up bikers. Kelly put on a salubrious dance while I hit the mike and introduced the team. I warned people to move back from the stage, which they didn't do until the firebreathers started flicking flame over their heads. Kev managed to set one guy on fire... All the careful choreography, floorplans and storyboards went out the window as people went on stage and basically did what they felt like :-) Most things got performed, though. One of the more popular ad-libs was Julie removing all her gear before being tied to a chair with rope, leags akimbo towards the audience. This was to provide maximum view for her lips to be sewn and pulled apart with thick cord. Yes, she did have holes there already - however, when the lips on her face were sewn up, that was being done through fresh flesh. Skewers, slashing, whipping, fleshhooks, all the usual stuff. An amusing touch was when the fresh fish couldn't be found and we had to use a Doc Martin on a hook on Roger's dick. Photos may come down to the Cave at some point. We then spent the night drinking free piss in the Rebel's private bar until the sun came up. Got to sleep for about 20 minutes, 3 of us in a kid's single bed. Got up, had a little something to wake us up somewhat, and carried on. Bourbon and coke, as it were. For some reason I am covered in bruises. I didn't get beaten up, although the way we were acting after 8 hours solid drinking we deserved to ;-) Perhaps it was the extereme moshing... there were about 50 people standing in front of the stage grooving slightly, then myself, Michelle, Will and Pundy started our own little mosh, causing everyone in the crowd to back off slightly (like about 10m). This left us plenty of room to run headlong into each other, which garnered a few comments from the band. The journey back was a hoot. Coming back up in Michelle's 4-door ute thingo, I ended up with all three girls on my lap in the front seat after Pundy decided to start a mosh in the back seat and start crowd-surfing. Lost my glasses somewhere near Mandurah when I was climbing onto the roof at 100kph... Pretty interesting weekend, all in all, when the alternative was to lie on the couch and watch Doohan fall off. ;-)
Next time you need to apply for a job and is not your dream job.... Here are some suggestions: This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment: APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
The Ribbons A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course the woman is very sceptical in believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and second place."
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed. The Italian says - "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy" The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nossing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy". The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick clean on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof !!!"
Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out this little maths teaser. 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If you haven't, add 1746. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. Scroll down for an explanation of your result... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ............. ........... ......... ....... ..... ... . RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number: the first digit of this was your original number (I.e. how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age!!! It really works. If it didn't the first time, try again! This is the only year this will ever work!
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no, that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.
The Conversion... A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones: ....."Born a Jew ......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic." The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: ....."Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish."
How many kinds of poisonous mammals are there? There are only two kinds of poisonous mammals: the platypus and the echidna! Each of these mammals has a spur on each hind ankle that is attached to a poison gland. The poison of the platypus can be very painful to humans, but is not lethal. Platypuses and echidnas are also the only egg-laying mammals, and scientists believe that either they represent the features of the earliest mammalian ancestors, or they have descended from mammal-like reptiles and represent a different type of mammal altogether.
Subject: Announcement - New E-Mail Product 1. Introducing FeMail! This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself. You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content. Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help your decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues. In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing logic. The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails). You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions. The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone else's FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off from interaction with your own FeMail. Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch. Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system. Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!
Subject: Announcement - New E-Mail Product 1. Introducing FeMail! This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself. You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content. Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help your decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues. In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing logic. The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails). You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions. The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone else's FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off from interaction with your own FeMail. Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch. Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system. Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!
Four executives from major companies were playing golf-together. On the 2nd tee they hear a phone ring. The Sony executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK, buy 10,000 shares," he tells the person on the phone. To his golf partners he says, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere." On the next tee, they hear another phone. All of a sudden the IBM exec puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, "I'm so important that I had IBM install a microphone in my index finger and speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cell phone." The people were impressed and moved on. On the green, they hear another phone ring. The Ford guy stands up tall and says, "OK, sell the subsidiary." He loosens up and tells the others, "I'm so important that I had Ford put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing. At the next tee they hear another phone. All of a sudden, the Xerox exec runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him, so they go looking for him. They find the Xerox exec in the bushes with his pants around his ankles and squatting as if to take a dump. "Oh, we're so sorry to interrupt," the IBM executive exclaims, We'll leave you alone." "That's Ok," the Xerox guy replies, "I'm just waiting for a fax to come out."
A Marine Colonel is speaking with the unit Captain from Mississippi and explains to the Captain that the moral of the troops are low and the Captain needs to make every effort to insure that the moral and conditions improve. The Captain assures the Colonel that by the end of the week the troops would be happy and ready for any mission. The next morning as the Colonel , gazes out his office window he spots the Captain with a bundle of wire. 'Hey Captain!' the Colonel says. 'Where ya going' with that wire?' 'Well Sir,' the Captain drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire Sir, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!' 'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!' the Colonel yells back. 'Sure I can Sir!' the Captain says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the Colonel is looking out his window the next day, and the same Captain comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. 'Hey Captain!' the Colonel yells. 'Where ya going' with that tape?' 'Well Sir, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape --I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!' 'You can't catch ducks with duct tape!' the Colonel yells back. 'Sure I can Sir!' the Captain says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the Colonel can't believe his eyes. The Captain had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the Colonel is looking out the window again, and the Captain comes walking down the road carrying a stick. 'Hey Captain!' the Colonel says. 'Where ya going' with that stick?' 'Well Sir, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'
One day, Mickey Mouse decides to divorce his wife Minnie, so he calls up his lawyer to explain the details of the situation to him. After listening to him the lawyer replies, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce your wife Minnie just because you think she's a bit strange." Mickey, upon hearing this replies, "No, you misunderstood me. I didn't say she was a bit strange, I said that she was fucking goofy!"
MARRIAGE Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success - Jim Backus I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife trests me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those insides desperate to get out. - Montaigne By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who find such a man. - Lana Turner Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence, Life Sentence !! Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. Do not marry a person that you know you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Definitions for Parents AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: Able to whine in words. WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
These are all true stories from computer tech people. ----------------------------------------------------- Many people have called to ask where the "any" key is on their keyboards when the "Press Any Key" message is displayed. One customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on it. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag in which the mouse was packaged. One customer held the mouse in the air and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. A customer complied with a tech's request to send in a copy of a defective diskette. A few days later, the tech received a letter from the customer along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. A customer was having diskette problems. After trouble shooting for a while (magnets, heat, etc.), tech asked the customer what else was being done with the diskette. Response: "I put a label on the diskette, rolled it into the typewriter..." A user came into a service bureau with a file on a 5.25 inch disk. The proprietor apologized and explained that the user would have to get the job transferred to a 3.5 inch disk first. The user asked, "Couldn't we just get a scissors and trim it?" A tech advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put his phone down and was heard walking across the room and shutting the door to the room. Exasperated caller said she couldn't get her new computer to turn on. Customer: "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." Tech: "Foot pedal?"Customer: "Yes, this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The foot pedal turned out to be the mouse. A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. A customer was perplexed by an error that would appear every time he tried to print. The computer would say, "Looking for LaserWriter" and after a while, "Can't find LaserWriter." His solution? He turned the Mac so that the screen faced the printer. A customer called complaining that his keyboard no longer worked. The customer had cleaned his keyboard by submerging it for a day in warm soapy water in his bathtub. A tech once calmed a man who was enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." The tech patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. A new technician was sent into the field to install a new video card. About the time they began to wonder if something was wrong, the technician called in. "I have the monitor apart, I just can't figure out where to install the video card." Recently we were trying to talk one of our customers through an installation of an SBUS card in a Sun SPARCstation 20. About halfway through the install, at a point where we had the top off the machine and had been swapping RAM, moving hard drives, and moving SBUS cards around for a while, one of the people at the remote site commented that "funny things" were happening on her monitor. It was at that point that I realized that she had never turned the computer off! A friend of mine has a daughter who had started attending a university and had decided to buy a computer on which to complete assignments. Her father suggested she call me for some advice on what to buy, since he knew I worked with computers. I answered the questions based on her needs and thought she had a pretty good grasp of the fundamentals of what we had discussed about RAM, applications, windows etc. Until she asked.... Oh, and Mike, which is better, Hardware or Software? I thought my old Macintosh SE was having some major problems one night. I mean I kept looking at the screen and periodically it would jiggle. I ran Mactools, I ran RAM checker software. I just could not figure it out. I looked for electrical interference, everything. I could not get it to do it consistently at all, it was very intermittent. After 30 minutes of struggling with this, I called my older brother who is an Apple certified technician. I asked him, and he went through the promptings. Then he noticed that I was eating some chips. He asked "How long have you been munching?" I said "about 45 minutes or so." He said, "Stop munching." Every time you chew something crunchy the monitor will appear to jiggle. He was right. Boy was I embarrassed. You should try it sometime. It really does jiggle! Several years ago I was at a computer show demoing software. The audience was comprised of retired school teachers. I explained how to use the mouse to point to things on the screen. As I walked around the room making sure everyone was doing ok I saw one woman holding her mouse to the Mac's monitor moving the mouse around on the screen. I used to work for MacWarehouse as a tech support rep. One day a gentleman called who had never had a computer before. He was trying to set up his new system. I tried and I tried but I just couldn't make him understand where to plug the cables in. Finally I looked up the details on his order. He had ordered top of the line everything - Monitor, Keyboard, Printer, Modem, Scanner, speakers, CD-ROM drive, external hard drive....except - he had not ordered the COMPUTER itself. No wonder the cables would not plug in anywhere, there was no where for them to go to... I work for a prominent online service and was talking with a fellow employee. He asked me where he could find QuickTime for Windows. I told him to try apple.com. He had a puzzled look on his face for several seconds. Then he meekly said "You do mean the net site, right?" I said "What ELSE could I mean?!" He replied "I thought you meant like command.com - the DOS file" I work at the computer store on a campus. A few weeks ago, we had a customer call in and ask the following: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?" A customer saw me handling some floppies, and remarked: "How do they get the words small enough to fit on there?" I tried sending email to 1.404.123.4567 but the emailer wouldn't let me." That's a telephone number I told the customer! A customer called in at MicroSystems Warehouse and said he needed to speak to a tech immediately. I asked him what the problem was and that I might be able to help. He says, "Are the SIMM slots located in the back of the computer?" I asked him if he needed help installing the chips. He says, "No. I installed them and the computer just isn't recognizing them." I said to him, "Where did you install the chips?" He says, "I removed my sound card and put them in there." The computer service tech where I work told me he got a call from a secretary complaining that the floppy drive in her computer would work. He went down to check it out and found that she was putting the discs in WITH the plastic dust sleeves still on them. He asked her why on earth she was doing that and she said, "Well, I didn't want my computer to get a virus." Me: "Hewlett Packard Customer Service, this is Sergio, can I help you?" Customer: "Yes, I have a deskjet that I need to have repaired" Me: "We make several deskjets ma'am -- do you know what model yours is?" Customer: "It's a Hewlett Packard!" Me: (suppressing a sigh) Yes I know....umm, could you tell me if your deskjet is color or black and white? Customer: (pause) well....it's beige! A customer called a desktop publishing outfit and wanted a poster made from a color slide. It was a picture of the caller's recently deceased father with a couple of his fishing buddies in a boat. The caller mentioned there was a slight problem- in the picture her father was facing away from the camera. She wanted the photo expert to flip the negative so you could see his face. When it was explained that this would only provide a mirror image of the back of his head she became irate and screamed into the phone-"If you can take the pimples off those glamour girls why can't you put a face on my father!" At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from the neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
LAWS OF WORK... The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE THROWING A SUCCESSFUL PARTY ================================== - Festivity Level One - Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols. - Festivity Level Two - Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me." - Festivity Level Three - Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction". - Festivity Level Four - Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation. Police: "We've come in response to the complaints." You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?" Police: "No, sir, not drugs." You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?" Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise." You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh." (An explosion sounds somewhere behind you) You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?" Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Iowa." (This being that we presently live in Minnesota. LOL) (At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.) You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."
From a Washington Post Report from Week 228, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days: Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster: In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia) Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville) In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie) In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna) Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington) Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, & Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) Copyright 1997 The Washington Post Company
These two Irishmen were lying in bed together... one of them turns to the other and says " I don't think much of this wife swopping .. do you?"
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses." The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?" "No," says Judi, it's for his underarms." There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.." "Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street" So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88" BAM! she was run over by a car, completly flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."
Bill Gates Goes to Heaven Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
1.Looks like John Denver has another hit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2.That John Denver was a plane down to earth kinda guy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3.what were the two design flaws that plagued john denver's experimental plane? it wouldn't fly and it wouldn't float ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 4.John Denver's new song? Thank god I'm a country buoy ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 5.Why did John Denver crash? He wanted a smash hit in the 90's ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 6.John Denver's last words: "Oh GOD...book III" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 7.What were John Denver's last words before leaving home? "I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 8.Best Not do Yer Flyin' Boy.. (To the tune of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy") A sensitive tribute composed on the death of the muzak king, John Denver. (v1) Well I'd heard of Buddy Holly, And of Otis Redding too, And I'd heard of Lynard Skynard, What's a country boy to do? And I thought somethin' was fishy 'Bout that airplane that I flew, Best not do yer flyin' boy. (CHORUS) Well I got me a plane, Though I talked of conservation. Takin' some 'ol "Country Roads" Would've helped my reputation, Now I've spread my body parts 'Cross the west coast of the nation, Best not do your flyin' boy. (v2) Well I started my career out Playin' guitar on a stump, And I talked a lot like Grandpa Jones, But lived like Donald Trump. Now nothin's "fillin' up my senses," Can't identify the lumps. Best not do yer' flyin' boy. (CHORUS) Well I got me a plane, Though I talked of conservation. Takin' some 'ol "Country Roads" Would've helped my reputation, Now I've spread my body parts 'Cross the west coast of the nation, Best not do your flyin' boy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 9.A Ding in the Wing? Good-bye Johnny D You fly just like you sing It's a shitty thing Your Rocky Mountain High Well I would have liked not to have known you But I was just a kid The seventies ended long before John Denver ever did. So much for George Burns Who never seemed to learn That you can't act Although you thought you could Flying through the sky With your Rocky Mountain High It's no wonder that Your plane made a big splat into the deep blue sea. Well I would have liked not to have known you But I was just a kid. The seventies burned out long before John Denver ever did. Thanks Elton! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10. On my way to work this morning I heard that John Denver was presumed dead as a result of a single-engine plane crash in California. At work I sent mail out to the staff list asking if anyone had heard the cause of the crash. Jim Wharmby, our shop wit, responded: "There were these four paparazzi in hang-gliders, you see..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 11.I heard that Elton John has interupted his American tour to immediately begin work on a new song, "Like a brick in the wind". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 12. John Denver's rocky mountain high has quickly turned into a crushing pacific low.
NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater-New Mexico State University." The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two million dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet,Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading theWashington Post when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 208-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.' The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'. About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'. 'Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.' At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you catch me, you can have me'. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! 'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening the calledthe number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.' The man replied, 'Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!', and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, 'If I catch you, I'm going to fuck you'.
Two nuns wanted to paint their room in the convent, but knew that the Mother Superior would get upset if they got paint on their habits so they decided to take off their habits to paint. After they had begun painting, they heard a knock on the door. Panicking about being seen naked they asked "Who is it?". The man at the door replied "Blind man." The sisters figured it was ok to let the blind man in since he wouldn't be able to see them so they opened the door. The man walked in and said "Nice tits sister, where do you want the blinds?"
Q: Why was the condom flying through the air? A: Because it was pissed off. Q: What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? A: Einstein's cock. Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant!! Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A: Slap the bitch Q: What does a redneck chick say after sex? A: Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes. Q: Why did GOD give blondes one more brain cell than horses??? A: So they wouldn't shit during the parades!! Q: What is the purpose of women's underwear? A: Too keep women's ankle's warm. Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? A: Fucking nothing, you've already told the bitch twice !!!! Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits. Bitch. Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common? A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth shit Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation? A: Removing half the brain. Q: What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection? A: A Whopper with cheese Q: What's the best part about fucking a 10 year old boy up the ass? A: You get to kill him when you're done. Q: What's the definition of a woman? A: Life support for a vagina. Q: What is better than winning gold at the paraolympics? A: Walking! Q: What do you call two lesbians on the rag? A: Finger painting.... Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it! Q: What does a blondes right leg say too her left leg? A: Nothing, they've never met before! Q: Why aren't there any Aboriginals on the starship enterprise? A: Because they don't work in the future either. Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand? A: You cant gargle sand! Q: what's the definition of a virgin? A: an ugly third grader Q: Why did the Aboriginal cross the road? A: To pass out in the other ditch. Q: What's black and blue and hates sex? A: A rape victim. Q: What is the mating call of a redhead? A: "Next"! Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change it and one to suck my cock. Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape? A: So it doesn't explode when you butt-fuck it. Q: What's Yellow and blue and sits on the bottom of a pool? A: A baby with slashed floaties. Q: What do you do when you're finished fucking a ten year old girl? A: Turn her over and pretend she's a ten year old boy! Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it. Q: What's the difference between a washing machine and a 16 year old girl? A: You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for 2 weeks telling you it loves you. Q: Why do doctors slap babies when they're born? A: To knock the dicks off the stupid ones! Q: What do women & dog turds have in common? A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up! Q: What's the hardest part about eating bald pussy? A: Getting the diaper off! Q: What do women & condoms have in common? A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? A: Because she was a woman. Q: What's 3 feet tall and gives me head? A: My son. Q: How do you circumcise a redneck? A: Kick his sister in the chin. Q: What do you call an empty beer bottle in an Aboriginal reserve? A: An Aboriginal artifact Q: What's the worst thing about fucking a 3 year old? A: Getting the shit off of your clown suit! Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two, one to put it in and one to write a folk song about it. Q: What is the hardest part to eat of a vegetable? A: The wheelchair. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: You fuck her. Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina? A: A woman. Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck his dick. Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ? A: A quarter-pounder with cheese. Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? A: Crib death. Q: Why do Iraqis carry shit in their wallets ? A: For identification. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman have in common? A: They don't fuckin listen!! Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A: Well-hung! Q: What has six legs and eats pussy ? A: You, me and Ellen Degeneres. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy. Q: How can you tell your kid is being molested at his daycare center? A: He won't stop crying unless you put a pacifier in his asshole. Q: Why is a paedophile like the turtle? A: 'Cuz he got there before the hare. Q: How can you tell if you are squeezing a woman the right way? A: You'll feel her crack. Q: What is a paedophile definition of a perfect 10? A: Two five-year-old boys. Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians? A: Hairballs. Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? A: Realizing you were drunk and fucked it the night before. Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen. Q: How many Aboriginals does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to drink until the room starts spinning.
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and after a whirlwind tour, he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient text of the Holy Scriptures and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading", to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem was. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'...the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
ONLY IN THE U.S. LEGAL SYSTEM A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be +unacceptable fire,+ it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge+s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in +the fires.+ After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!
The pet store was selling monkeys for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety- nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
1 What is the difference between Diana and her chauffeur? Diana only had one Carling 2 What did Dodi say to his chauffeur last week? Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di 3 What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Lada? Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Lada. 4 Diana was on the radio last Sunday.......... ....and on the dashboard and the windscreen..... 5 What have Diana and Arsenal got in common? They both hit the post 4 times last Saturday 6 What song should Elton John have rewritten for Diana? "All in all I'm just another brick in the wall". 7 Why did Elton John sing at Diana's Funeral? He's the only queen that gives a shit 8 What's Diana getting for Xmas? The Queen Mother 9 I hear Elton John is making a tribute to Mother Theresa "Scandals in the Bin" Q: What happened to the princess at midnight? A: She turned into a concrete wall. Q: What does Tiger Woods have that Lady Di doesn't? A: A good driver Q: What does Lady Di like more than a rich, handsome Egyptian? A: A well-built Pole. Q: What do Pink Floyd and lady di have in common? A: Both had a hit with "the wall." Q: What is the Queen going to give Fergie for her birthday? A: A ticket to Paris 3 days at the Ritz and the use of a chauffeur driven black Mercedes. Q. What does Port Power have in common with Diana? A. They both died on Sunday Q. What is the essential qualification for a French chauffeur? A. Tunnel vision Q. What does the acronym DIANA stand for? A. Died In A Nasty Accident Q. What would Diana be doing if she were alive today? A. Trying to claw her way out of her coffin. Q. Why was Lady Di's death a tragedy? A. Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn't in the back of the car with her. Q. If Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found in the glove compartment? Q. What have Di & Ian Wright (English Footballer) got in common? A. Both hit the post 4 times at the weekend. Q. What wasn't Di suffering from when she died? A. Tunnel Vision. Q. What's the similarity between Neighbours & Prince Charles? A. Neighbours have Mrs Mangle, Charles has mangled Mrs.
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".
A fellah was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung. The city fellah looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the watercooler to discuss the past evening's events. The first guys says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks." The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt, but now I have no car." The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage." The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not sure you understand... Chunks is my dog."
***** WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN ***** Dogs don't cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs don't care if you play with other dogs. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs don't hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. Dogs don't worry about germs. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs don't borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty. ***** HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE ***** Both look stupid in hats. Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. Neither understand football. Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. Neither believe that silence is golden. Both constantly want back rubs. You can never tell what either of them is thinking. Both put too much value on kissing. ***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS ***** It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman. Women look good in sweaters.
Two campers, after spending a week alone in the woods, decided to get a break from each other. They agreed to hike off into the woods in oppsite directions, camp alone overnight, meet the next day for breakfast and spend the morning recounting their adventures. The following morning they met up back at base camp. "What was your night like?" asked the first camper. "Absolutley fabulous," replied the second,"I hiked about five miles to the east and found a wonderful valley full of wildflowers. I spent the afternoon flat on my back looking up at the clouds, and when night fell, I slept out under a blanket of stars. I woke up to the sound of birds singing, bathed naked in a stream and hiked home. I've never felt closer to nature. How was your night?" " I had an incredible night," answered the first camper. " I hiked about three miles to the west until I came to a set of train tracks. I noticed a shape on the tracks about half a mile away, and when I went to investigate, I found a young girl tied to the tracks. I untied her, carried her into the woods and we made wild, passionate love all night. We were like animals, I've never had such a night of unbridled passion. I'm still shaking from it." "Wow!" exclaimed the second camper," That's amazing. You sure are a lucky fella! Did she have a great body?" "Outstanding!" replied the first camper. "What about her head?" quizzed his friend, "What was her head like?" "I dunno," replied the first camper ruefully, "I never did find that."
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot hears this and says, "With my dick, you dummy". The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot". The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish". The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for". The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $200 for me I'll bet he'll sell me". The guy buys the parrot and for the next three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him, "Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so". One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door". The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips". The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion". The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts". The guy says, "He did??" The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on them". The guy says, "My God, what happened next???" The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch".
** What kind of person are you? ** Let's begin the test now and see! 1.You are not a parrot, you have your own point of view. Yes-go to #2 No-go to #8 2.You prefer a star-shaped to a heart-shaped necklace. Yes-#3 No-#9 3.You are not interested in dolls or robots Yes-#4 No-#11 4.You have little interest in Chinese traditional clothing. Yes-#5 No-#11 5.You have red clothing in your wardrobe. Yes-#6 No-#12 6. You would like to apply for a job which requires experience. Yes-#7 No-#13 7. Your friends get along with you because you are a reliable person. Yes-#TYPE A No-#TYPE B 8. You have short hair. Yes-#2 No-#15 9. You think your skin complexion is not fair enough. Yes-#3 No-#16 10. Which kind of flowers do you like most? A. sunflower-#14 B. wild chrysanthemum-#11 11. You are a conscientious student/employee. Yes-#5 No-#17 12. Recently, you have had no interest in crafts. Yes-#6 No-#18 13. You are an easygoing and friendly person. Yes-#7 No-#19 14. You don't mind sleeping together with a group of people of the opposite sex on the same bed. Yes-#TYPE A No-#20 15. You would choose sports as your major extra-curricular activities. Yes-#9 No-#21 16. You are fond of Math and Science. Yes-#10 No-#22 17. You like the color orange more than the color red. Yes-#12 No-#24 18. You like mountains more than oceans. Yes-#13 No-#25 19. Whenever someone is better than you, you will get irritated and uncomfortable. Yes-#14 No-#26 20. You don't mind talking and laughing loudly in the public. Yes-TYPE B No-TYPE C 21. You always tidy up your own room. Yes-#16 No-#28 22. You like watching TV programs related to sports. Yes-#23 No-#29 23. You think pure friendship cannot exist between opposite sexes. Yes-#10 No-#17 24. You would like to learn cooking. Yes-#18 No-#31 25. You have a lot of interest in the Internet. Yes-#19 No-#32 26. What kind of persons do u favor most? A. Sporty-#20 B. Mature-#39 27. You like to wear clothes which are specifically designed to show off. Yes-TYPE B No-TYPE D 28. You like dogs more than cats. Yes-#22 No-#34 29. You usually carry perfume when you go out. Yes-#30 No-#35 30. You like the moon more than the sun. Yes-#23 No-#24 31. You change your hair style frequently. Yes-#25 No-#37 32. Serving others make you busy. Yes-#26 No-#38 33. Your hair is always untidy. Yes-TYPE C No-#27 34. You are afraid of cooking. Yes-#29 No-#35 35. You have quite a lot of ornaments. Yes-#36 No-#37 36. You like shopping during holidays. Yes-#37 No-#31 37. You will go and make a portrait in the future. Yes-#32 No-#38 38. You are not fussy about the pattern and cutting of your underwear. Yes-#39 No-#40 39. You have no interest in craft-making. Yes-#27 No-#33 40. You follow the fashion trend on clothes. Yes-TYPE C No-TYPE D Results: TYPE A: Outgoing Type You are an outgoing and cheerful person. Although you still get frustrated sometimes, you can get through the hard times easily and be joyful again. Your friendly personality is your good point in the eyes of the opposite sex, but this makes your spouse feel insecure. Your lack of emotion is your disadvantage, but your candor has made you popular.Your friend of your gender find it hard to understand you because of your innocent thinking. But this is to your advantage when trying to attract a person who has the same personality as you. TYPE B: Artistic Type You love caring for others and it is the reason why you are a big sister/brother in people's eyes. People will find it interesting and comfortable talking to you, and this enables you to gain trust from them. This usually gives good impression to those of the opposite sex who are sentimental and younger than you. TYPE C: Lovable Type You are a typical little sister/brother in the eyes of the opposite sex.You are dependent and have less of your own opinions. Among the 4 types, you are in the type that favors marriage most. You have a vigorous sense of occupying your spouse. You can take every oppportunity to attract other's attention as well. The first impression you give to the opposite sex is your sympathetic look and character. This may account for the reason why others are eager to offer you protection and security. TYPE D: Charming Type Among the 4 types, you are in the type that possess the most charming beauty. The sexy charm that you possess does attract other's attention and gain you much popularity. However, most of them just pay notice and show favor toward your outward beauty. You are advised not to believe other's sweet and honeyed words and phrases too much. It is suggested that you show more of your talents and intelligence, so that people will have a good impression on you not only because of your outward appearance but because you have high opinion of intrinsic aptitude.
ALFA Always Leak and Faulty Automobile PROTON Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel On-road Nowadays. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Business, Money and Woman Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony! FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot First On Recall Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of R&D Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. and Ron's DNA Found On Russian Dump GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion Got a Mechanic Coming? HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless
Talmudic musing. A long time ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So, they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?". Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking
dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The
judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug
use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back
in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I
persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people?
That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
_
/ \
| | O
\ _ /
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs
and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's
admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I
persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people!
That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used
a similar approach. (draws two circles)
_
/ \
O | |
\ _ /
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole
before prison ..."
A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it. POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Oi Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you, my boy ?" The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you 2 wishes, used to be 3, but I gotta think about my margins" "Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white, and surrounded by women." "No problem" said the Genie, POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon. Moral : Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached ...
A man is gambling in the casino and wins $1000.00. He decides to celebrate and goes out looking for a hooker. He finds a hooker and says he wants a blowjob. The hooker says, "No problem, $500.00." Our hero says, "Hey, that's a lot of money for a blowjob!" The hooker replies, "Do you see that BMW convertable over there? I paid cash for it because I give the best blowjobs in town." Our hero pays the hooker the money, gets his blowjob and goes back to the casino a very happy fellow. The next day he is in the casino and wins $2000.00. Again, to celebrate, he goes out looking for a hooker. He finds the same one. "Today I want to !@#_ you in the ass." The hooker says, "No problem, $1000.00." Our hero says, "Hey thats a lot of money just for anal sex!" The hooker responds, "Do you see that penthouse apt. up there? Well I paid cash for it because I have the nicest ass in town!" Well, our hero pays the hooker, goes about his business, and goes back to the casino with a smile on his face. The next day, our hero leaves the casino looking for a hooker. He finds the same one. He says, "Today all I want is a little pussy." The hooker replies, "Do you see that new shopping mall they're building across the street? Our hero answers, "No! Don't tell me you own that shopping mall too?" The hooker answers, "No, but you can be damn sure I would if I had a pussy!!"
This bloke comes home from work to find his girlfriend packing all of her belongings, when he asks what she is doing she replies "I'm leaving you, I just discovered that you are a paedophile." The bloke gets upset about this, and shouts "Paedophile? That's a fucking big word for a 10 year old!"
Confession Sean goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest says, "Is that you, Sean?" "Yes father, it is." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No father." "Was it Fiona McDonald?" "No father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father. I cannot tell you." The priest says, "I admire your discretion but you must atone for your sins. Your penace will be five 'Our Fathers' and four 'Hail Marys'." Sean goes back to his pew. His buddy slides over and asks, "What happened?" Sean replies, "I got five 'Our Fathers', four 'Hail Marys', and three good leads."
Three computer programmers and three lawyers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three computer programmers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers a computer programmer. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three computer programmers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the computer programmers on the return trip and save some money (being clever, and all!). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the computer programmers buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers a computer programmer. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three computer programmers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the computer programmers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
GOOD * BAD * WORSE ================== Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it. Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other. Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent. Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camouflage and has an AK-47. Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no." Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in. Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday. Good: You get tickets to the theater. Bad: It's performance art. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner. Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes. Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real. Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is. Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds. Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex-ed video. Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit. Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star. Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.
Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi Redmond WA, (AP). Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property. Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology". The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.
A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?" "Yes." replied the man. "Well, where is it?" asked the cashier. "I left him home." he answered. "Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules." The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, "but I left him home." "Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules." The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here." The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?" The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"
The jerks............ Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822. The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said,"Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?""1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away. A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go upto a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you best 'cos you are RICH. You will also start buying drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who fancy you and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are SMART, your RICH and Hell, your better looking than them anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who fancy you because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.
(sing to the melody of "Thank God I'm and Country Boy") Oh God I'm An Ocean Buoy Took a flight from the farm and I never came back Built a plane from a kit But I didn't have the knack Jumped in the cockpit and downed a six-pack And now I'm an ocean buoy Well, I grabbed the controls And I started to fiddle Got flames coming up On my face like a griddle Air flight ain't nothing But a funny, funny riddle So now I'm an ocean buoy. Well, my head's chopped in pieces And my body's full of dents They'll identify me By my guitar's fingerprints I tried to "dry out" But instead got a rinse And now I'm an ocean buoy Well, it's really farrr out When you're down 'neath the water I just ain't been right Since I started on the bottle I reach for Jim Beam But instead grab the throttle And now I'm an ocean buoy Well, I grabbed the controls And I started to fiddle Got flames coming up On my face like a griddle George Burns appeared beside me And we prayed just a little Oh God! I'm an ocean buoy! The day's just about over And I'm sinking kinda low In the undersea world of Jacques Cousteau Calypso can you find me By the bubbles that I blow 'Cause now I'm an ocean buoy.
The Men's guide to what a woman is really saying..... "We need" = "I want!" "Its your decision" = "The correct decision should be obvious by now." "Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later." "We need to talk" = "I need to complain." "I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron." "You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat alot." "Be romantic, turn out the lights." = "I have flabby thighs." "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house." "I need wedding shoes." = "The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white." "Hang the picture there." = "No, I mean hang it there." "I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep." "Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive." "How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like." "I'll be ready in a minute." = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV." "Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful." "You have to learn to communicate," = "Just agree with me." "Are you listening to me?" = "Too late, you're dead." "Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it." "I'm not yelling" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important." The Woman's Guide to what a man is really saying..... "I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry." "I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy." "I'm tired." = "I'm tired." "Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you." "Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you." "Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you." "May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you." "Nice dress." = "Nice cleavage." "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you." "What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?" "What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question." "I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex." "I love you." = "Let's have sex now." "I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now." "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before." "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50.00 and it doesn't look that much different." "Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me." "Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys." "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I'm gay."
Two nuns were travelling through Transylvania. As they were driving through a wooded area, a minute Dracula jumped onto the hood of their car. "What do I do?" asked the nun driving the car. "Turn on your windshield wipers and knock him off", replied the other nun. The driver turned on her wipers; Dracula hung on and hissed at her. "Now what do I do?" asked the driver. "Try using your windshield washer and the wipers at the same time", countered the companion nun. On go the wipers, out comes a burst of cleaner; Dracula is really angry, hangs on and hisses even louder! I guess that isn't going to work", says the passenger nun. "I know", says the driving nun. "Show him your cross!!" The passenger nun rolls down her window, leans way out and yells, "Get off our f*@#ing car!"
You know you're under stress when.... 1. You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up. 2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before... 3. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. 4. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. 5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. 6. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. 7. Things becomes "Very Clear." 2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before... 3. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. 4. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense. 5. Your heart beats in 7/8 time. 6. You and Reality file for divorce. 7. You can skip without a rope. 8. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. 9. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before. 2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before... 3. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. 4. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to. 2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before... 3. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend. 4. You listen to your relaxation tapes on high speed. 5. You call your voicemail from your car using your cell-phone while driving to work to remind yourself of tasks to do during the day. 6. You page yourself because when its set to vibrate, its "almost" like getting a massage. 7. Your e-mail notification tune is Taps. 8. You tap your foot impatiently at the amount of time your microwave popcorn takes. 9. You call the Time & Weather because that lady "really understands you." 10. You take the "Don't Walk" sign personally. 11. You get lost on your way home....from the driveway. 12. Your pager is set to stun. 13. Your In-Box now has its own office.
Some of these are new.... DI JOKES What does Diana stand for? Died In A Nasty Accident. Did you hear that Dodi wanted to go night-clubbing but Diana just wanted to crash. What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Pinto? Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Pinto. What have Diana and Pink Floyd got in common? They both had a hit with the Wall. What is the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? At the London Ritz you get after-dinner mints; at the Paris Ritz you get minced after dinner. What was the last thing that Diana had to drink? A Harvey Wallbanger with six chasers. Why did Elton John sing at the funeral? Because he's the only queen who gives a fuck. What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags? Zip-a-de Dodi, Zip-a-de Di. What will Di get for Xmas? The Queen Mother. What did Dodi say to his chauffeur? Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di? Did you hear that the paparazzi were in deep trouble in Paris? Just before the ill-fated Mercedes left the Ritz, they were shouting "Di, Di, Di." Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passerby said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog." What's the difference between George Best and Dodi's chauffeur? George Best can still take corners when he's pissed. What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Di? Tiger Woods has a good driver. Apparently it wasn't just the chauffer's fault, Di had also been drinking. Reports show she had 2 pints of Carling in her. ( For those not familiar Will Carling the Ex England Rugby Captain had an affair with Di.) How did the crash investigators know that Di had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard. Dow d'ya paint a Mercedes red? .............Di it. What's the Queen's favourite car? A smashed up Princess. The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however have seen it all before so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him and sure enough the little, gloved wave elicits cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually it subsides. His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep in their hearts and they will talk of it and rejoice for months." The Queen seriously doubts this...."One little nod of your head and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me." So the Pope headbutts her off the stage.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. (now thats humour) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Chip shop A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking but how old do you think I am?" " About 35 " was the reply. " I am actually 47 " the man says feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving he asks the same question, to which the reply is " Oh you look about 29 " This makes him feel really good. " I am actually 47 " the man says feeling really happy. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." Being as there was no one around the man thought what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47" Stunned the man says "That was brilliant how did you do that " The old lady replies "I was behind you in the Chip shop " A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action docudrama about famous composers with several top stars. Stallone, Schwartzeneggar and Van Damme were present. The producer really desired the box office oomph of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him." The producer was pleased. "Sounds splendid. But who do you want to be Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the country and you could buy anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5:30 came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20-30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand,three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman. "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large fish hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new deluxe cruiser. The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "You're weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing."
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."
A guy in a small restaurant jumps up and yells "God Damnit!,There's a hair in this soup!!". He proceeds to make a big scene, and then he starts to leave."You still have to pay for your meal!", yells the waitress. "Fuck you", he says, going out the door. The restaurant manager rushes in to find out what happened,then he chases the customer. The guy is nowhere in sight, and the only place he could have gone so quickly is the whorehouse next door. The restaurant manager barges in and finds the guy. All he can see is the back of the guy's head and the two legs wrapped around it. "Jesus Christ!, you refuse to pay for soup because there's one little hair in it and here you are eating pussy two minutes later!" "Yeah, well if I find one little noodle in here, I'm not paying for this either."
An old man goes home one day and as he passes his daughter's bedroom door, he hears a strange sound. Bruuur...bruuur...wheeeezz...etc. He opens the door only to find his daughter clutching a vibrator. "What are you doing with that?" asks the old man. "I'm 40 years old, single and past having a chance of hooking as husband, so this is the next best thing" replied his daughter. With that, the old man closes the door and leaves her to it. The next day the daughter comes home from work and on passing the living room, hears a strange noise. Bruuur...bruuur...etc. She opens the door, only to find the old man clutching a pint in one hand and clutching her vibrator in the other! "What do you think you're doing?" she asked her father. "I'm just having a drink with my son in law."
Ok there is this truck driver that graduated from high school and went straight into the life of driving the big rigs. He had never had time for a woman, so all of the guys on the C.B. give him shit about not getting any action. He finally gets sick of the other truckers giving him grief all of the time about being a virgin, so he takes a day off of work and decides to put all of the money he has on him towards a good whore. He goes into the whore house and slaps down $500. The Madam is all excited and shuttles him upstairs to a nice suite. He waits for a while and then a woman enters. She said "So, what is it that you want to do?" He says "I don't really know I haven't had any experience." She says "Around the world, sixty-nine, spank the." "Let's do that sixty-nine thing" he said. So, she gets up on him and they start going at it. The trucker is a real natural and he is just a munchin away at that box when the old whore starts to get a little gassy. She lets one rip right in his face. To her suprise, he didn't even break his stride. So she goes back to work, A few minutes later, she blows another bun shaker. He keeps a munching away. Soon, she can't hold it anymore and blasts the biggest fart ever. The guy stops chowing on her box and she turns around. "How you doing back there?" she asked. "Oh, hell, I'm doing fine!" the trucker exclaimed, "I just don't know if I can handle 66 more of those fuckers though!"
Two young brothers are readying themselves for bed one night when one says to the other, "Tomorrow, I think that I am going to grow up." "How do you do that?", says the other. "I'll just do things like dad would do. I think I'm going to swear like dad then I'll be a grown-up." Responds the second, "Yeah, that sounds like fun I'm going to grow up tommorow too. Next morning at breakfast, mom asks the fist boy what he would like for his breakfast. The boy responds "Oh Hell, I think I'll have some Fruit Loops." Mom goes ballistic, beats his ass and sends him to his room. To the second son, the same question. He thinks, then responds with "I don't know but you can bet your ass I dont want any of those fucking Fruit Loops!"
Did you ever wonder about the origin of the traditional little angel on top of a Christmas tree? Santa is having a really bad night. He gets caught in the jet stream and is delayed several hours. Three of the reindeer have some really bad gas. Some little bastard kicks him in the shin. He gets stuck in a chimney. Some bimbo says she would have fucked his brains out if he had been on time. On the way home, an asshole in a 747 gives him the finger. Finally, he gets home. Because of the delay, his dinner was first over cooked and then it got cold. He is drinking a cold rancid cup of coffee when a little angel says "Santa, we just got another tree, What do you want me to do with them?"
There is this nun. She has an incredible body, and she is taking a bath. Then she hears a knock on the door. "Who is it?" she yells "It's the blind man" he replies She was thinking, well he cant see me so I really don't need to put any clothes on. So she proceeds to answer the door butt-naked. She opens the door "Yes?" "Woah! Nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?"
A retiring rabbi takes the momento's of his lifes work (a huge jar of preserved foreskins) into a local leatherworker. The rabbi is about 80 so it is a very big jar. He explains to the leather worker that he would like something special made out of them. A week later when he arrives to collect the finnished article, he is stunned to be handed a small wallet. "What?" he cries, "that jar was my lifes work and all you can make is one tiny wallet!" "Ahhhh," says the leatherworker,"but stroke it and it turns into a suitcase."
"Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy, you've witnessed a miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his ass Father he's a cripple you know!"
Two guys are in a bar, a small one and a big one. The small one says to the big one: "Hey, wanna hear a dumb Polish joke?" "Sure," says the big, strong guy, "but I'll have you know I'm Polish. And so are they." The big guy motions toward two even bigger guys, who come over to the table. "They are my brothers." One of the two brothers motions toward a bunch of other big Polish people who come over and intruduce themselves as the cousins of the brothers of the big Polish guy. In the end there are about 20 HUGE Polish guys on the other side of the bar. "So, so you STILL wanna tell that joke?" asks the big Polish guy. "No," replies the small guy. "Why not?" askes the big polish guy, "scared?" "Nope," replies the small guy, "I just don't feel like explaining it 5 times."
Letterman recently showed a sign for an oriental sandwich shop. The top letters were in oriental pictograms with the english translation below of "My Dung Sandwich". Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth." In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused." Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. When PET milk started selling milk in France, they failed to note that in French, "pet" means fart.
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun... Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian:Cowboy: " Is this Indian your owner?" Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Indian: Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep Lie."
Watson comes to see Sherlock one evening, but is a little early for the appointment, so the landlady makes him wait. He hears a lot of scuffling upstairs, a lot of knocking, a bunch of giggling and some soft moans. A short while later, he sees a pretty young girl in a school uniform come downstairs and leave. A few minutes later, Sherlock comes down and Watson understandably shocked inquires, "Holmes, wasn't that a schoolgirl?" "Elementary, my Dear Watson. Elementary."
A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam." Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities. The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my nuts off." "Great," responds the interviewer,"The disabled Vet gets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m." "But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?", asks the guy. "Yes, But you don't have to worry, we just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway."
There was an old, old rooster on this farm. The rooster couldn't take care of all the chickens anymore, so the farmer bought a new, young rooster. The old one walked up to the young one and said, "You are a lot younger than me but these hens have been mine for a long time,I think you should at least give me a chance to win them back." The young rooster said, "What did you have in mind?" The old rooster said, "Well we could have a race around the barn." The young rooster says, "OK we can race and the winner gets all the hens. The old one says, "You know I'm quite old, to make it more fair you should give me a head start. The young one thinks it over and says, "OK you can have a twenty foot head start." So, the old rooster takes off running and when he gets twenty feet ahead the young one takes off. As they are coming around the corner of the barn the young rooster is only ten feet behind and coming up fast. All of a sudden a big bang. The farmer is standing there with his shot gun, "Well Maw, that's the third queer rooster we've got this week.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate, So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."
There was this man and woman fucking on their bed and the man, thinking he was through, threw his used condom out the window. The woman exclaims,"What do you think you are doing? You're not through!" So the man puts his clothes on in a hurry and runs outside to retrieve the condom. But to his surprise a little boy has picked it up. He tells the boy,"I'll give you $5 for that." The boy says,"No." The man says,"How about $10?" The boy is still unsure so the man offers him $20. So The boy says,"OK."Then the boy races home to his father and says, "Father, father I just found a twinkee on the ground and sold it to a man for $20. But I tricked him though; I ate all the cream filling first."
A man owned a large dog, and his neighbors little girl owned a pet rabbit. One day the man comes home and is greeted by his dog with the lifeless body of the rabbit in his mouth, all full of mud and dirt. After lecturing his dog on the evils of his ways, the man tries to come up with some way of making it easier for the little girl. He figures the best he can do is make it look as if the rabbit died a peaceful death. He takes the dead rabbit into his house, cleans the fur up, blow-drys it so the rabbit is fluffy', and sneaks the body back into the rabbit cage in the neighbors garden. Two hours later, the man hears a loud shriek from the little girl and runs outside. As he sees the state the child is in, he thinks to himself how much worse it would have been without his making the death scene more sympathetic. When he asks the little girl what was wrong, she says "My rabbit died" The man explains to her that all animals must die, and that the rabbit is in a happier place now. "But he died last night, we buried him in the garden...and now he is back in his cage!"
While driving cross-country a man ran out of gas. Walked for a few miles in the rain and came to a house. After banging on the door for 10 minutes he decided to leave, but saw something in the window. There stood a nude couple, the woman squeezing her tits and the man beating his dick with an umbrella. After watching for a while, the guy wrote them off as loonies and went in the direction of the next house. The neighbors were friendly and helped out in what ever way they could, the guy couldn't resist describing what he saw in the first house. The woman laughed and said, "Oh, they carry on that conversation all the time." "What do you mean?" asked the puzzled traveler. "Well you see, they're a deaf couple. She was asking her husband to go milk the cow and he was saying, "Fuck you bitch, it's raining!"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!
A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted. Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. As time wore on he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him. One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. Thelion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla. The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!" Then the lion said, " Shut-up stupid, or we'll both get fired! "
WARNING: Good Times Virus! READ CAREFULLY! Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool- aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your wine, and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants, and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank, and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back, and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub, and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. Goodtimes will prompt your mother to call on Friday and Saturday nights for two months after you make a new boy/girlfriend. It will place your wallet and/or keys on an obscure shelf in the basement. It will emulateyour face and stare into the neighbor's bathroom window. Goodtimes has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend Goodtimes. Goodtimes will make your bloomers shrink two sizes, and will make you gain 15 pounds. If this results in a wedgie, then Goodtimes will leave a nasty skid mark.
A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway. A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart." The truck driver held his breath, then heard a low "Hsssssss." A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart." The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss." "Jesus Christ!" the truck driver exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his ass. "OH!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!"
An intrepid explorer in the deepest darkest of jungles is captured by hostile natives. Under normal circumstances, this particular tribe kills all outsiders but the chief sort of takes a liking to the explorer. So he propositions the explorer.... "Look," says the chief, "we can never let you return to your world and normally we would kill you. But since you seem to be a very honorable man I am going to give you a chance to live as one of us. If you pass our test of manhood then you shall live as one of us. If not, you shall die." The explorer, having no other option, says "OK" and asks for the details of the test. The chief explains, "To become a man in our tribe you must complete three tasks: 1)You must drink one gallon of our strongest ale. 2)You must pull an impacted tooth from the jaws of a tiger. 3)You must satisfy a homicidal nymphomaniac twice." That night, the explorer is brought before three tents. The chief informs the explorer that within the first tent he will find the ale. Within the second tent he will find the tiger, and within the third tent he will find the nymphomaniac. Seeing no reason to waste any time, the explorer enters the first tent. Twenty minutes later he emerges. He can barely walk but somehow manages to stagger his way to the second tent. Almost immediately shrieks of pain and horror could be heard from within the second tent, but alas, after half an hour the explorer emerges victorious. Torn to pieces by the tiger, the explorer looks at the chief and says, "Now,ware's tha woman with the thore tooth?"
A young Lady was sitting in a church slightly whimpering when the priest came over to ask what was wrong. She said her boyfriend did something to her that was just too bad to talk about. He said, "You can tell me anything, your secret is safe." She responds that it's just too bad to talk about. He takes her hand, rubs it and says "Did he do this?" "Worse" ,she replies. Then he starts to fondle her breast, "Did he do this?",br> "Worse" Then he pulls up her blouse and starts to suck on her breasts, "Did he do this?" "Worse" Then he pulls her skirt down and proceeds to eat her out, "Did he do this" "Worse" So he pulls down his pants, starts to screw her and asks, "Did he do this?" "Worse" "Worse?" ,he asks, "What could he have done that's worse than this?" Then she says, "He gave me syphilis!"
Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an ancient oil lamp in an ash can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out popped a genie. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish." The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life!" The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.
A pregnant woman was in labor; she was in the delivery room, her feet were up in the stirrups, she was ready to go. The doctor says, "Okay,now push!" The woman pushes, and after a few minutes, out pops the baby into the waiting hands of the OB/GYN. The doctor picks up the baby by the feet, whirls it around his head a few times and lets it fly into the opposite wall. The baby hits the wall headfirst with a resonant squishing sound and slides down the wall to the floor where it rests in a bloody, pulpy mass. The woman, horrified, said, "Doctor, Doctor, that was my baby!! What did you do that for?" The doctor replied, "Oh it's okay it was dead anyway."
What's really good on cherry pie and really bad on pussy? A.) CRUST -- Q.) What's Rodeo Sex? A.) It's where you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand, and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes it this way, too." -- Q.) What do fags call hemorrhoids? A.) Speed Bumps -- Q.) What's the difference between dog style and semi-dog style A.) semi-dog style is the same as dog style with out all the sniffing and licking. -- Q.) Two lesbians and two gay men are at the same house in Florida, and they both plan to leave for New York at the same time. Who gets there first? A.) The lesbians. They do 69 all the way there, but the guys are still back in Florida packing their shit.
These two whales were swimming in the ocean when the mother saw a boat. she said to her son " Son you keep your distance from them boats." Then just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, a harpoon went right into the side of the mother. Several months later the son and his girlfriend were swimming around, when off in the distance they spotted the very same harpoon boat. Thinking of his revenge the Son said to his girlfriend "If we swim up behind them we can blow water up on to the boat and sink it." She agreed and off they went. BLOW SPURT , BLOW SPURT, And down it went. Then the son came up with another idea, "Look at the sailors the're swimming away, we can really get them back for Mamma's death, Let's eat them up." The girfriend replied "Hey I helped you with the blow job, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna swallow the seamen".
Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children. The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and there are only three parachutes. The doctor yells out, " Save the children" The lawyer yells out "FUCK THE CHILDREN!" The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"
Mr. R. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
After having their 10th child, a redneck couple from Alabama decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it,put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a lighted cherry bomb in a can and holding it next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Alabama. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it and place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?" Jack asks the madam. She looks Jack over and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem." She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her. With the eagerness of a young teenager he quickly undresses.Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken. As soon as Jack developes a rhythm he starts to enjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that built up frustration is finally released.Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience. One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10.Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other men sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of the benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a one-way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the guy beside him and says, "this is a pretty good show for ten bucks isn't it? The guy turns to Jack and says, "This is nothing last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken."
The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked,"Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied,"I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's ass and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go at it. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize why the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training one to pull out cork when a buzzer sounded, then push it back in for another go. Then the big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, The second went 2 miles away, And the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit. The second (2 miles away) was up to his knees And the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter. "What the hell is so funny?" asked one of the scientists. "You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!
Did you hear about the guy and the gal who met each other in the elevator? The guy asks, "Which floor?" The gal answers,"Third." He reads the list of offices on the list inside the door and says, "Oh, going to give blood I see." She says "Yes it's worth $30.00! Which floor you going to?" He replies.. "Sixth floor." She says "Oh, my that's the Sperm Bank!" He nods and says "Right! And it's worth $60.00!" Well a of couple weeks later the same two meet again in the same elevator. The guy says "Third floor, again?" The gal, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out shakes her head and holds up 6 fingers.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says,"Mother,if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens." His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland operation. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright--but after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to look more and more attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
Perhaps one of th most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can beused to describe many situations: 1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust "Fuck me." 7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?" 8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" 9. Despair "Fucked again..." 10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the fuck are we." 13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" 14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." 17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" 20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." 21. Directions "Fuck off." 22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?" It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal- "Motherfucker." It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic Thats not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger" "What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney "Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." John F. Kennedy
One day in the forest a rabbit and a bear were talking when the rabbit said "Gee, I feel like a shit" "Me too", said the bear. So they wandered off to a quiet spot and took a shit. Then the bear said to the rabbit, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" "No", replied the rabbit. "Good" said the bear so he grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.
One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife." Both men ran away.
A guy runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!" His wife, flush with excitement, replies: "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He responds: "I don't care which... Just get the fuck out!"
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'
Politically Correct Phrase: They really want to say.....
I'm not certain that's feasible. No fucking way!
Of course I'm concerned. Tell someone who gives a fuck.
I wasn't involved in that project. It's not my fucking
problem.
He's not familar with the problem. He's got his head up his ass.
He's not familar with the problem. He's got his head up his ass.
He's confused. He's fucking retarded.
I can't implement this to my use. Fuck it, it won't work.
Are you sure it's a problem? Who the fuck cares?
Really? You've gotta be shitting me!
I'll try to schedule this. Why the fuck didn't they tell
me sooner?
Perhaps I can work late. When the fuck do they expect me to
do this?
You don't say! Eat shit.
Excuse me? Eat shit and die.
Excuse me, sir? Eat shit and die motherfucker.
So you'd like my help with this? Kiss my ass.
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. Fuck it, I'm on salary.
You'd like me to take care of this? Who the hell died and made
you boss?
I see. Blow me.
Do you see? Blow yourself.
I don't think it will be a problem. I really don't give a shit.
Very interesting behavior. What the fuck?
Put it over there for now. Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge. This job sucks.
Of course I'll help you out. What a fucking idiot.
Im sorry, check with someone else. Go fuck yourself.
I agree, we need to discuss this. Another fucking meeting...!
Here, maybe I can do it. I'm surprised you can dress
yourself.
I'm not feeling well right now. Get the fuck away from me
THE ONLY THING THAT THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICES HAS NOT TAXED IS YOUR PECKER. THIS IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT 40% OF THE TIME IT IS HANGING AROUND UNEMPLOYED; 30% OF THE TIME IT IS PISSED OFF; 20% OF THE TIME IT IS HARD UP AND 10% OF THE TIME IT IS EMPLOYED BUT OPERATING IN THE HOLE. FURTHERMORE, IT HAS TWO DEPENDENTS AND THEY ARE BOTH NUTS. ACCORDINGLY, AFTER MARCH 1, 1996, YOUR PECKER WILL BE TAXED BASED ON ITS SIZE, USING THE "PECKERCHECKER SCALE" SHOWN BELOW. DETERMINE YOUR CATEGORY AND INSERT THE ADDITIONAL TAX UNDER "OTHER TAXES", PAGE 2, PART V, LINE 61 OF YOUR STANDARD, INCOME TAX RETURN (FORM 1040) PECKERCHECKER SCALE 10 TO 11 INCHES LUXURY TAX $50.00 08 TO 10 INCHES POLE TAX $25.00 06 TO 08 INCHES PRIVILEGE TAX $15.00 04 TO 06 INCHES NUISANCE TAX $ 5.00 NOTE: ANYONE UNDER FOUR INCHES IS ELIGIBLE FOR A REFUND. DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! NOTE: MALES WITH PECKERS IN EXCESS OF 12 INCHES SHOULD FILE UNDER "CAPITAL GAINS".
A beautiful young lady was a traveling sales person and her car broke down way out in the country. She checked the car as best she could but couldn't find what was wrong. It was starting to get dark so She decided She had better find shelter for the night. She found a farm house a short distance up the road and knocked on the door. The farmer answered the door and asked Her what She needed. She told the farmer that her car was broken down and She needed a place to stay for the night. The Farmer told Her he only had two bedrooms, He and his wife used one and their 18 year old son used the other. The Farmer thought about it a minute and said my son went to town and won't be home until late and he has a big bed anyhow if you want you can sleep in his bed tonight. She thought to her self, Wow 18 year old dick tonight, and said to the farmer that would be fine. After a nice supper they all went to bed. She took all of her clothes off and lay spread eagle on the bed waiting for the boy. About three in the morning the boy comes in gets undressed and goes to bed. She waited a while, sure that he would be making advances, but nothing happened. After a little while she thought, Well maybe he's shy, so she said could you switch sides of the bed with me, thinking he may get her on the way over. He got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side. She lay there a little longer and decided to try it again. Again, he got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side. She figured there is only one way to make this hick understand, so she rolled over right on top of him and said OK now do you know what I want? He said, "Yeh you want the whole damn bed."
Special Edition for the ladies (yep -- we guys *will* get even . . . ) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Women prefer the simple things in life...like men. Boys will be boys but one day all girls will be women. I only wanted to have a child, not marry one. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him. What's the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it. What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?...A widower. They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there? What's an orgasm, Mom? I don't know...ask your father. If you catch a man...throw him back. Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up? What is the useless bit of skin on a penis?...A man
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church". The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...." Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves. Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion." "The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account."
CONDOM(1) CONDOM(1) NAME condom - protection against viruses and prevention of child processes SYNOPSIS condom [options] [processid] DESCRIPTION condom provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious users, condom is the only highly effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed to condom by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). condom is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious afflictions: +o AIDS +o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties) +o Syphilis +o Crabs +o Genital warts +o Gonhorrea +o Chlamydia +o Michelangelo +o Jerusalem When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or setiud(3), condom also prevents the con- ception of a child process. If invoked from within a syn- chronous process, condom has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more infor- mation. If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by the environment variable USER) is pro- tected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional ``processid'' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect. NOTE: condom may only be used with a hard disk. condom will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below). OPTIONS The following options may be given to condom: EUNUCH Programmer's Manual 1 CONDOM(1) CONDOM(1) -b brand brands are as follows: trojan (default) ramses sheik goldcoin fourex -m material The valid materials are: latex (default) saranwrap membrane WARNING! The membrane option is not endorsed by the System Administrator Gen- eral as an effective barrier against cer- tain viruses. It is supported only for the sake of tradition. -f flavor The following flavors are currently supported: plain (default) apple banana cherry cinnamon licorice orange peppermint raspberry spearmint strawberry -r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip) -s strength strength is an integer between 20 and 100 specify- ing the resilience of condom against data passed to condom by the protected process. Using a larger value of strength increases condom's protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communica- tion. A smaller value of strength increases inter- process communication, but also increases the like- lihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous process or one passing an enormous amount of data to condom will increase the chance of condom's EUNUCH Programmer's Manual 2 CONDOM(1) CONDOM(1) failure. The default strength is 80%. -t texture Valid textures are: rough (default) ribbed bumps lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes) WARNING: The use of an external application to condom in order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease condom's strength factor! If execution speed is important to your process, use the ``-t lubricated'' option. DIAGNOSTICS condom terminates with one of the following exit codes: -1 An attempt was made to use condom on a floppy disk. 0 condom exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous process). 1 condom failed and data was allowed through. The danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to the number of other protections employed and is directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved. BUGS condom is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System Administrator General has deemed that condom is the most effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program for preventing these problems. Remember, the use of sex(1) and other related routines should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must use sex(1), please employ condom to protect your process and your synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs. AUTHORS and HISTORY The original version of condom was released in Roman times and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern technology, condom now supports many more options and is much more effective. EUNUCH Programmer's Manual 3 CONDOM(1) CONDOM(1) The current release of condom was written by Ken Maupin at the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last updated on 10/7/92. SEE ALSO celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3)
A tiger woke up one morning feeling just great. He felt so good he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him,"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, if you don't know the answer just say so, you don't have to get pissed."
Little Martin is Four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work?" Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied, "Well first you put the god damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit. So you take the cock sucker down. Then you shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up." Martin's mother said "Wait till your father gets home!" When Martin's father got home, Martin's mother told him to ask little Martin what he had learned today. Martin told his father the same story that he told his mother. His father said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied "Fuck you, that's the electricians job."
WHO'S BOSS? =========== When the Lord created man, all the parts of his body argued over who was to be Boss. The Brain argued that since he controlled all parts of the Body, he should be Boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted, they should be Boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be Boss. The hands argued that since they would be doing all the work, they should be Boss. Finally the ass hole applied for the position. All other parts of the Body laughed so much that the ass hole became mad, and closed up. After a few days of this the Brain became foggy, the Legs wobbled and finally could no longer support the Body. The Stomach became violently ill, and the Hands were so weak they hung at the side of the Body and the Eyes became crossed and unable to see. Finally they all relented, and agreed to make the ass hole the Boss. This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be a Boss, just an ASS HOLE.
Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend 15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he wants. The Italian says, "I'd like to take a woman with me." The judge reluctantly agrees. The Italian takes his wife and heads off to solitary. The Jew says, "I'd like to take a telephone with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Jew with his telephone. The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then announces, "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his cigarettes. After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the Italian with his wife and 15 children:He says "It wasn't so bad..." The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone. The Pole then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says,"Anybody got a match?"
Q.) What has 300 legs and seven teeth? A.) The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
Q.) How do you make polish sausage? A.) Use retarded pigs.
In Manhattan a midget got unto the elevator. A few floors down a huge black man got in, and said "Do you know that my body weighs 300 pounds, in fact each one of my balls weighs 25 pounds,my dick is 35 inches long and my name is Turner Brown." The midget fainted dead away After being revived by the paramedics the midget asked the black man to repeat his last few words. The black man replied "I said my name is Turner Brown." "Thank God!" said the midget, "I thought you said 'turn around'".
Q.) How do you fit four queers on a barstool? A.) Turn it over.
Two Poles are out fishing, and having a great day. As fast as they put a hook into the water, a fish bites, and they reel it in. As sunset approaches they decide to mark the spot, so they can come back again. The first Pole thinks a bit and then paints a big "X" on the bottom of their boat. The second says "You idiot! what if we get a different boat next time?"
A young Beautiful brunette French girl goes into a bar and she is wearing this low cut black sleeveless dress. She sits down and waves her arm at the bartender and says "Oh bartender" "May I have a scotch and soda please?!" She had a large bush of hair under her arms.(well we all know French girls don't shave) The regular drunk at the end of the counter says "Put the pretty ballerina's drink on my tab" so the bartender does. A little bit later The pretty girl waves her arm and says "Oh Bartender" "May I have another scotch and soda please" Again the regular drunk at the end of the counter says "Put the pretty ballerina's drink on my tab"and the bartender does. Well...this goes on a few more times and then the bartender goes over to the drunk and says "why are you buying this girl all these drinks and how do you know she's a ballerina?" The drunk says "well, I think she's a pretty girl, and anybody that can raise their leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man has a fantastic baritone. But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has gone to pot." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice.
An Indian went to Japan alone on a holiday. He went to a shopping mall and entered into a computer shop.He asked the girl who was pecking away at the computer, with a modem flashing at her side,"What are you doing when the red lights are glowing on that box?" Girl replied, "I am sending some messages to my lover in America through e-mail". Next he came out of the shop and wandered around. He saw a Japanese Executive talking on his cell phone. He went up to him and said, "Hello, what are you doing?" The gentleman said, "I am talking to one of my colleagues in Taiwan through Satellite telephony". Frustrated, he left for the hotel. Upon reaching the hotel, he went to the lobby and started masturbating in full view of the people assembled for a wedding. The guests, outraged and up in arms, came in flocks and one of them asked the Indian " what the hell are you doing?" The Indian said, "Can't you see, I am fucking my wife in India through the Satellite!"
An American, a Mexican, and a Pole are construction workers on a tall building. On their lunch break they sit at the top together. The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says:"If I get one more burrito in my lunch, that's it, I'm going to jump!" The Irishman says: "If I get potatoes one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!" The Pole says:"If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump too!" The next day, they all get the same thing and they jump. At the funeral, the Mexican's wife is crying,and she says, "If I only knew, I would have made him something different." The Irishman's wife says, "I can't believe it, I wish had I made him something different!" The Pole's wife says, "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."
Q.) How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia? A.) Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teethbrush".
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on. On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care. LOVE - when intercourse is called making love. LUST - all other times. MARRIAGE - what's intercourse? LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have. LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - when you argue over money. LOVE - when you share everything you own. LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything. LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - what's a climax? LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex. MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts. LOVE - when you write poems about your partner. LUST - when all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques. LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings. LUST - when you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV. LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...". LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?". MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent. LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom. MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake. LOVE - when your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST - when your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties everytime you see them. LOVE - when nobody else matters. LUST - when nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit. MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music. LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought. LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does. LUST - when you're only interested in one thing. MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.
Barman: "What do you do for a crust?" Drinker: "I don't change my underwear."
Four Smart Dogs Four men were talking about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer who said his dog, T-Square, could do drafting. He told the dog to get some paper, draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which he did easily. The accountant said his dog, Spread- sheet, was smarter. He told his dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said his dog, Beaker, was even smarter. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass, which he did with no problem. The three men then turned to the state worker and asked what his dog could do. The state worker called his dog Coffee Break, and told him to show the guys what he could do. Coffee Break then trotted over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workers' compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
Did you hear about the Polak with two red ears who went to the doctors office? The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the Polak. "But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Damn I'll bet that hurt," the Doctor exclaimed. "But then, what happened to your other ear?" The Polak replied, "Whoever it was called back."
An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes. The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."
A young Jewish boy has been having trouble with school. In fact, he has just been kicked out of three private Jewish schools in a row. There being no more Jewish schools in town, his parents decide to send him to catholic school. A month later, to his parent's surprise, he is still in school and hasn't gotten in any trouble. In another month, his midterm grades come home--and he has aced every class! His parents ask him, "What's so great about this catholic school? How come you got thrown out of three good Jewish schools only to do well in this christian one?" "Well," the boy answers, "These catholics scare me. In the whole history of the school, they've only admitted one other Jew." "What of it?" His dad asks. "H-he's nailed to the wall in the cafeteria."
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again..." The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
There are these three guys, an American, a German and a Frenchman. They decide that they are going to go out on a night on the town. They go to a few bars and then they decide that they'll go to a cat house. The American says that he will go in first. In he goes and half an hour later he comes out with a huge smile on his face. Of course they question him about what happened. He said "well she put a pineapple ring on my dick and then she ate it all a little at a time it was wonderful. The German says "Alright I have to give this a try". In he goes and he walks out with an even bigger smile. They ask what happened. He says "She put a pineapple ring on then added some whipped cream and took it all off with her tongue". It was the best thing I have ever experienced. The Frenchman quite impressed with stories says "Ok I'll give it a try. Half an hour later he comes out but there is no smile on his face so they ask "What happened why aren't you smiling". The Frenchman said "Well she put a pineapple ring on my manhood then she added whipped cream and finally put a cherry on top. They said yes, yes, Then what happened? He said "Well it looked so good, I ate it myself".
THE LIFE OF AN ELECTRON. One night when his charge was very high, Micro Farad decided to seek a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amps and took her for a ride on his megacycle, around a series circuit, across the wheatstone bridge, down by the sine waves and stopped in a magnetic field. Here the two bodies were attracted, Micro Farad being attracted by Milli Amps characteristic curves and soon he had her fully charged on his electrolyte. He excited her resistance to a maximum, laid her on the ground, raised her potential frequency and lowered her resistance. He pulled out his pulsating high voltage tube and inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel and began exciting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli Amp sighed "Ohm - Ohm". Micro, his tube operating at maximum EMF and her field vibrating with current flow, caused her shunt to overheat. Micro's cell rapidly discharged and every electron was drained off. They fluxed together all night trying to various connections until his magnet had a soft iron core and had lost field strength. Afterwards, Milli Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite her, so they spent the remaining hours of the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
Q.) What happens when three queers attack a women? A.) Two of them, hold her down, and the other starts doing her hair.
Well, after the big bad wolf had been killed by the woodsman, his cousin, big bad nasty wolf moved into the forest. Grandmother had heard about him and she warned Little Red Riding Hood about staying on the path while walking to her house. One day, Mother prepared freshly baked bread for Little Red Riding Hood to deliver to Grandmother. On her way, as she skipped down the path, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out onto the path and said, "Give me the basket of goodies, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." Immediately, Little Red Riding Hood handed over the basket and took off running. Mother was very upset with Little Red Riding Hood for not delivering the basket to Grandmother, even though Little Red Riding Hood didn't tell Mother what had happened; she thought she could take care of this herself. She put her father's .38 special inside the basket under the new loaf of bread. So, the next day, while skipping along the path to Grandmother's house, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out in front of her and said, "Hand the basket over, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." This time though, Little Red Riding Hood pulled out the pistol, pointed it straight at the wolf and replied, "But first, you're going to eat me, like the book says."
Horses in race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Dick 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry ------- Race is about to start----------- At the Post *********** They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot. At the Halfway Mark ******************** It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick. At The Stretch *************** Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming. How's it goin' lads, good one here.... ----------- At The Finish ************* Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pull up Clean Sheets never had a chance..........
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They are full,don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - That was me!"
IDEAS FOR THE WORKPLACE (Convincing everyone you are really a kook) Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present. Come to work in your pajamas. Put a picture of your mother on your business card. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.(This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.) Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom." No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. Email nude .GIFs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers.Tell them you got them off the Internet. Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night." While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive". Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body. The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds. The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid. Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!" The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"
A true story: A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."Oh, man! - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now" As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
Fly the Friendly Skies An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that
very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
The mystery is solved!
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that
the rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed. "I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark. "Wasn't always that way," replied Chas. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley St, England. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent." Fred was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old friend once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. "But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled. I got mine for $500, not a thousand." Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley St, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could have a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"
Try it... Hey, take time to do this, and DON'T scroll down until you follow the instructions! A man (M) and a lady (L) who are very much in love, and devoted to one another are separated by a river with no way of getting across to the other side. On L's side of the river, there is a boatman (B) who is able to take her over to the other side of the river but refuses to do so unless she pays him a price of ?20, twice his normal fare. L has no money. Another man (S) then tells L that he will giver her ?20 if she sleeps with him. L agrees to do so and on receiving the ?20, pays B who takes her over to the other side of the river. She is reunited with M and they are very happy together. However, a friend of M (F) finds out what L did with S and immediately tells M. On learning the news, M finds L and ends things with her, stating that he wants nothing more to do with her. Your task is to rank these five people, M, L, B, S, and F, from best to worst. i.e. best person to worst person. 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) Don't read any further until you've finished the 1-5. If you do, you'll miss the whole point. When you do finish, scroll down and read on. . . . . . . The order which you've ranked the five people is supposed to represent the importance that you place on different things in your life. 1 being the most important, and 5 being the least. The letters stand for: M - morality S - sex L - love B - business F - friends
The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come onstage and light all the candles." "I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked. Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his interest. The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy. The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!" And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the matches!"
Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s Scott Adams Windows Magazine, May 1995 I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier. If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner. Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction? I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead. But that skill is becoming less important every year. Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support. It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support). Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct. Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists. Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential. And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years. Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen. It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realise this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far. If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone. I realise there are a lot of sceptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those sceptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.) Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women. You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet. In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realised it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice. It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go. Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear. In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
THE RICH PEOPLE'S PARTY - Submitted by Lisa Hay, Canada ----------------------------------- There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a giant tank across his estate filled with many alligators, piranhas, and other man-eating creatures. The host said that if anyone had the guts to swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant the person 3 wishes. Well nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing." Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming frantically across the tank, and, lo and behold, he survived and made it across - just missing the snap of a crocodile! The host walked over to the man and said, "That's incredible, you made it, You're crazy but incredible!" As I promised,I will honor your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? Give me it. "Second, see those bullets over there? Give me them too," "And third, show me that jerk who pushed me in!"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?" The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes." "Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?" "Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers. The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?" The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
Q. Why did the Indian Cheif name his daughter 99 cents? A. Because she was always under a buck. Q. How did the crippled crab get back from Broome? A. On crutches.
A tourist wandered into an antique shop. Picking through the objects on display he discovered a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. He asked the old shopkeeper what it cost. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," said the shopkeeper, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replied, "but I'll take the rat." The tourist left the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crossed the street in front of the store, two live rats emerged from a sewer drain and fell into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he began to walk faster, but every time he passed another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. A multitudes of rats swarmed from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands were at his heels, and as he approached the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panicked and started to run full tilt. No matter how fast he ran, the rats kept up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions. By the time he came rushing up to a river, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long was behind him. He hurled the bronze rat into the river as far as he could heave it. The seething tide of rats surged into the river, where they all drowned. Shaken and mumbling, he made his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, you've come back for the rest of the story," the shopkeeper said knowingly. "Not exactly," replied the tourist. "I was wondering if you got any bronze lawyers?"
Bill goes into a bar and sits down beside a man sitting on a stool. After while and afew drinks they introduce each other and talk it up for another couple of hours. When Bill is ready to go home he ask the guy if he would like a ride but the guy seemingly has had too much to drink and just nods his head. Bill picks him up and attempts to carry him out to the car. Them man, we will call him Fred keeps falling down and Bill keeps picking him up. Finally Bill gets Fred to his car, props him up against the hood and opens the door. Fred falls into the car without a problem and Bill hops in and asks where Fred lives. Soon they approach Fred's house. Bill stops the car in front of the white wooden fence surrounding the house, gets out, opens Fred's door and helps him to his feet. Fred falls down several more times until they reach the stairs where he promptly falls flat on his face. Bill can't believe the condition of Fred after only a couple of hours in the bar. Bill helps Fred to his feet, gets him up the stairs and leans him against the wall with one arm on his chest to keep him from falling again. Bill rings the doorbell and Fred's wife opens the door and sees Fred propped up agains the wall an screams with fright: "Where is your wheel chair?"
On the subject of duck hunting..... A hunter, named Harry, has spent a very satisfying weekend shooting ducks and being a responsible citizen, stops when he has reached the "bag limit" and packs to go home. As he nears the local town a Fisheries and Wildlife officer flags him down. Glancing at the bounty in the back of the staion wagon the officer says "How many ducks have you shot sir." "Only the legal limit... 25, officer" replies the Harry. On the officer's request Harry lays out the ducks as evidence. "How many Campbell Lake ducks have you shot? You're only allowed ten of them." asks the officer. Bemused Harry says he doesn't know. The officer takes the first duck, shoves a finger up its arse and tastes it. "Yep, this is a Campbell Lake duck." He continues this process until he finds 11 Campbell Lake ducks. At this point the officer turns stoney-faced to Harry and says "I'm sorry, sir. You're above the limit for Campbell Lake ducks. I'll have to charge you." Taking out his note book he asks "Name?" "Harry Morgan" "Address?" Harry drops his trousers bends over and says "You tell me!"
Q. What do Senator Mal Coulston and Miss Devine Brown have in common? A. They have both been caught blowing grants illegally.
A duck hunter was out one day having no luck. He hunted the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he approached a farm house and flying over the barnyard was a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he took aim at what looked like the biggest one and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the barnyard. As he neared the barnyard and the dead duck, the hunter could see he'd got himself a beauty. But when he was a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer emerged from the barn, scooped up the duck and headed for his house. "Hey!" said the hunter. "Come back with my duck!" "Your duck?" returned the farmer. "It was laying in my barnyard. MY duck." "No! No! You don't understand! I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!" shouted the hunter. "Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way." said the farmer. "Country way? What's that?" said the hunter. "We take turns hitting each as hard as we can," said the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck. That is, unless you're yella." "Of course I'm not, " said the hunter. "Country way it is." "Fine, " said the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first." Hunter: "Suits me." With that, the farmer took a half step back, steadied himself, and kicked the hunter square in the crotch as hard as humanly possible. The hunter screamed like an animal for 15 minutes. He curled up in a ball, turned 3 shades of purple and nearly died. After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straighted up and gasped, "Now... my... turn" The farmer replied: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."
A salesman Bob had died and his wife got contact with him during a magic seance. Wife "How is life Bob?" Bob "Fine". Wife "What are you doing over there?" Bob "In the morning I have some food then I have sex until lunch, then I have more food, take a nap and have sex until evening and have some food again!" Wife "Oh Bob, I did not know heaven is like that!" Bob "I'm not in heaven - I am a rabbit in Australia!"
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!" To that the man asks "Anything??" And the blonde says "Yes.. Anything" With that, the man says "Follow me" ..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does He then says "Get on your knees"..She does.. He then says take down my zipper"..She does... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out" With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says "Well.. Go ahead" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says "HELLO,MOM????"
Third World Encounter (***) A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?". The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!". While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother".
A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants
to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather
come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas
Party.
Q. What do Senator Mal Coulston and Miss Devine Brown have in common? A. They have both been caught blowing grants illegally.
A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot but sell me one that definitely talks." The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks." The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table and said to the parrot, "Ok, talk." The parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk." Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman, to show the parrot his place, put him in the fridge for a longer time and the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer. There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"
There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied," I work for the tax office.
Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction? Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug. Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow. Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding. MIS: I'll drink it if you can give me until next year. Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk. Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how. Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking. UI designers: What's that crap in my glass? Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that. Windows users: Where's my straw? Mac users: Where's my pump? UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy. Multimedia author: [slurp!] Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for. Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go? CIA: What makes you think that's milk? NSA: We know what it really is. Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it! Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind! Schroedinger: That damned cat got into the milk again! Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk. Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier. IBM: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you. IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year. National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ!
Useful Computer Acronyms PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI: System Can't See It DOS: Defunct Operating System BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too WWW: World Wide Wait MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I ? 2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I ? 3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I ? 4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. What am I ? 5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I ? 6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I ? 7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I ? 8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I ? 9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I ? 10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I ? 11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I ? 12. My shaft is stiff and hard My tip penetrates deep. I come with a quiver. What am I ? 13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. What am I ? Answers 1 . Nose 2. Peanut Butter 3. A crane 4. The Titanic 5. A Tent 6. Dentist 7. A Wedding Ring 8. An Elevator 9. Chewing Gum 10. Newspaper Boy 11. Glove 12. An Arrow 13. An Attorney
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. "Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?" "Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea."
A man & his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He & the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realise certain protocols must be observed. The husband, however is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8 hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12 hour shifts". The second man is only too happy to help & in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking". They yell back, "We're not fucking". A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking!". Again they yell back, "We're not fucking". Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said NO FUCKING!!!". They yell back, "We're not fucking!!". Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower & the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife & second man are screwing each other's brains out. The husband looks out from the tower & says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking".
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger, really pissed off, turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A man decided to call home to see how his wife was doing. A strange woman answered the phone. He immediately asked the woman "who are you?" The woman replied "I'm the maid". "But we don't have a maid" the man said. "Oh, I was hired this morning by the lady of the house". "O.K, where is the lady of the house?". "Who wants to know?" asked the maid. "This is the man of the house" "Well, she just went upstairs with a man I thought WAS the man of the house". The man, now furious asked the maid if she wanted to make a quick $5000, she agreed and asked him what she had to do. He told her to go into the den and find his gun. He said "I want you to shoot that bitch and the bastard she's with". The maid put the phone down and the man heard two shots fired. The maid came back and asked him what she should do with the bodies. He told her to put them in a garbage bag and dump them in the swimming pool. She said "But we don't have a swimming pool." There was a long pause and then the man finally said "Uh, is this 237-6547?"
This is an actual letter from the archives of the Smithsonian. Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: ùThe material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. ùThe cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. ùThe dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: ùThe specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. ùClams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers Author Unknown For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
ANTIBODY: against everyone ARTERY: the study of fine paintings BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones BARIUM: what you do when CPR fails BENIGN: what you be after you be eight BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her COLIC: a sheep dog COMA: a punctuation mark CONGENITAL: friendly CORTIZONE: the local courthouse D & C: where Washington is DILATE: to live longer ENEMA: not a friend ENTERITIS: a penchant for burglary ER: the things on your head that you hear with FESTER: quicker FIBRILLATE: to tell lies G.I. SERIES: baseball games between teams of soldiers GENES: blue denim slacks GENITAL: non-Jewish GRIPPE: what you do to a suitcase HANGNAIL: a coathook HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid ICU: peek-a-boo IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known INPATIENT: tired of waiting LABOR PAIN: hurt at work MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor's cane MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's MORBID: a higher offer NITRATE: lower than day rate NODE: was aware of ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move ORGANIC: church musician OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert POST-OPERATIVE: a letter carrier PROTEIN: in favor of young people RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture RECTUM: what happened to the Corvette RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula RHEUMATIC: amorous SALINE: where you go on your boyfriend's boat SECRETION: hiding anything SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire TABLET: a small table TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport TIBIA: country in North Africa TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak TUMOR: an extra pair URINE: opposite of "you're out" VARICOSE: very close VEIN: conceited
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
HOMER's DRINKING SONG.... DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson. *ahem* La la la la... *ahem* LAAAAAA!! DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer... RAY..... the guy that sells me beer... ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer, FAR..... a long way to get beer... SO...... I'll have another beer... LA...... I'll have another beer... TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer... That will bring us back to... (looks into an empty glass) D'OH!
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees: ùA job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. ùInterviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. ùCandidate fell and broke arm during interview. ùCandidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. ùCandidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. ùCandidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. ùBalding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. ùApplicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. ùApplicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. ùCandidate brought large dog to interview. ùApplicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. ùCandidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates: ù"What is it that you people do at this company?" ù"What is the company motto?" ù"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" ù"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" ù"Why do you want references?" ù"Do I have to dress for the next interview?" ù"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" ù"Will the company move my rock collection from California to maryland?" ù"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" ù"Does your health insurance cover pets?" ù"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" ù"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" ù"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" ù"Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process: ùI have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. ùAt times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. ùI feel uneasy indoors. ùSometimes I feel like smashing things. ùWomen should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. ùI think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. ùI get excited very easily. ùOnce a week, I usually feel hot all over. ùI am fascinated by fire. ùI like tall women. ùWhenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex. ùPeople are always watching me. ùIf I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. ùAlmost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct. ùI must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. ùI never get hungry. ùI know who is responsible for most of my troubles ùIf the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. ùI would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. ùMy legs are really hairy.
__( )_ "Oh, bother!" said Pooh. ( (o____ | | "I have eaten too much honey, and | (__/ I can't get out of Rabbit's hole! \ / ___ Whatever am I to do?" / \ \___/ / ^ / \ | | |__|_HUNNY | | \______)____/ \ / \ /_ | ( __) (____) _ __( )_ "That's okay." said Rabbit, whose life ( (o____ was made up of important things. | | | (__/ "I'll just take away your \ / ___ honey jar, and let |\ /\ / \ \___/ you out when you've | |||| / ^ / \ lost enough weight." | |||| ________ | | |__|_HUNNY | / | / / \ | \______)____/ @ @ \/ _ \ \ / =>X<= / \ \ /_ \ | |\ | ( __) | |_______\ |/ (____) /___/ /______/ _ __( )_ "Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. ( (o____ | | "Thank you, Rabbit." | (__/ \ / |\ /\ / \ | |||| / ^ \ | |||| ________ | | |____\ / | / / \ | \______) _____ @ @ \/ _ \ \ / \___/=>X<= / \ \ /_ / \ \ | |\ | ( __) | HUNNY | | |_______\ |/ (____) \_____/ /___/ /______/ _ __( )_ And so, Rabbit went on his merry way. ( (o____ | | | (__/ \ / /\ /| / \ |||| | / ^ \ ________ |||| | | | |____\ / \ \ | \ | \______) / _ \/ @ @ _____ \ / / \ =>X<=\___/ \ /_ /| | / / \ | ( __) \| /__________| | HUNNY | (____) \________\ \___\ \_____/ _ __( )_ ( (o____ | | | (__/ \ / /\ /| / \ |||| | / ^ \ ________ |||| | | | |____\ / \ \ | \ | \______) / _ \/ @ @ __ \ / / \ =>X<=\_ \ /_ /| | / / | ( __) \| /__________| | HU (____) \________\ \___\ \__ _ __( )_ ( (o____ | | | (__/ \ / /\ / \ |||| / ^ \ ________ |||| | | |____\ / \ \ | \______) / _ \/ \ / / \ \ /_ /| | | ( __) \| /________ (____) \________\ \_ _ __( )_ ( (o____ | | | (__/ \ / / \ / ^ \ | | |____\ | \______) \ / \ /_ | ( __) (____) _ __( )_ And by-and-by, Pooh would entertain ( (o____ himself by humming tunes and thinking | | about the shitload of honey he would | (__/ eat once he was thin enough to get \ / out of here. / \ / ^ \ | | |____\ | \______) \ / \ /_ | ( __) (____) _ __( )_ ( (o____ | | | (__/ \ / / \ / ^ \ | | |____\ | \______) \ / \ /_ | ( __) (____) _ __( )_ ( (o____ | | | (__/ \ / / \ / ^ \ | | |____\ | \______) \ / \ /_ | ( __) (____) _ __( )_ ( (o____ | | | (__/ \ / / \ / ^ \ | | |___\ | \______) \ / \ /_ | ( __) (____) _ __( )_ One day, Pooh's friend Piglet ( (o____ came to visit. | | | (__/ "My goodness, Pooh!" _ \ / gasped Piglet. _<_/_ / \ __/ _> / ^ \ "You certainly have '\ ' | | | |___\ lost some weight!" \___/ | \______) /+++\ \ / o=|..|..| \ /_ | o/..| | ( __) 0==|+++++| (____) 0======/ _ __( )_ "Yes," agreed Pooh. ( (o____ | | "I am still too big to | (__/ get out of Rabbit's hole." _ \ / _<_/_ / \ __/ _> / ^ \ '\ ' | | | |___\ \___/ | \______) /+++\ \ / o=|..|..| \ /_ | o/..| | ( __) 0==|+++++| (____) 0======/ _ __( )_ "Well good luck to you." said Piglet. ( (o____ | | | (__/ _ \ / _<_/_ / \ __/ _> / ^ \ '\ ' | | | |___\ \___/ | \______) /+++\ \ / o=|..|..| \ /_ | o/..| | ( __) 0==|+++++| (____) 0======/ _ __( )_ "What I wouldn't give for ( (o____ a