Disclaimer: I can't remember where this is from. If anyone can help me give the right credit where due, please let me know.
Enjoy!
"The Emissary"--
Got new job. Met my arch-enemy. Became a religious icon. Played baseball with
multidimensional spectral figments. Average day.
"Past Prologue"--
Wormhole Counter-Terrorism for Fun and Profit!
"A Man Alone"--
Dem clones, dem clones, dem dead clones...
"Babel"--
Garble mischief! Refracted purple. Lots show red intense!
"Captive Pursuit"--
I'm a Tosk, he's a Tosk. Everybody's Tosk, Tosk. Wouldn't you like to be a Tosk
too?
"Q-Less"--
The Continuum: Controlling the universe and generally annoying people since
100 million years BC.
"Dax"--
People beat Jadzia up. People insult Jadzia's character. People dig up Jadzia's
past secrets. Terry Farrell seems strangely unaffected.
"The Passenger"--
Somebody wants Bashir's body. No, you weirdo, I mean they want his *body*...
"Move Along Home"--
The Chutes n Ladders Game From Hell.
"The Nagus"--
A relatively innocent Ferengi episode, but still a prelude of the horrors to
come.
"Vortex"--
Overblown dialogue, physical implausibilities, and blood feuds. Fun, fun, fun!
"Battle Lines"--
Everybody dies. Nobody cares. (Nobody ever thinks of decapitation or incineration
as reasonable ways to kill people so's they can't come back, but maybe that's
just my sick mind working...)
"The Storyteller"--
Once upon a time, there was a grumpy engineer and an egotistical doctor. They
did some things in a village, the effect of which was really rather unclear,
but at least it was more entertaining to watch than the DS9 Kiddie Follies subplot.
"Progress"--
Kira tries out her new career as a Home Healthcare Professional. Hilarity ensues.
"If Wishes Were Horses"--
O'Brien's put through the ringer, Sisko's baseball is used as a symbol, and
Dax is a ditz. This episode was ahead of its time...
"The Forsaken"--
Lwaxana Troi drops by, but most of the audience escapes without serious psychological
trauma...
"Dramatis Personae"--
All the Universe is a Stage, the men and women merely out of character players
in a 'let the actors stretch their legs' kinda sketch...
"Duet"--
Learning to Love Your Inner War Criminal
"In the Hands of the Prophets"-- Religion Versus Science. This being televised sci-fi, guess which one loses?
"The Homecoming"--
Turns out George Washington really just mooned the Redcoats. The rest was hype...
at least, on Bajor.
"The Circle"--
Major Kira angst, if you get the small pun, there...
"The Siege"--
A really stylish push of the reset button, featuring "Wings'" Steven
Weber! Now that's Must See TV!
"Invasive Procedures"--
The Dax symbiont embarks on a life of crime. "Dont' forget to write,"
says Jadzia. Film at 11.
"Cardassians"--
Garak versus Dukat. Plus, Sisko makes a really bad custody decision! But mostly
Garak vs Dukat...
"Melora"--
Interplanetary relations in zero gee, not to mention a lame allegory. (Could've
been worse. Could've been "Meridian.")
"Rules of Acquisition"--
The One With the Lady Ferengi Who *Isn't* Quark. Thankfully.
"Necessary Evil"--
Casabajor, starring Odo as Rick and Kira as the lady whose name I can't quite
remember. Ilsa? Something like that...
"Second Sight"--
Sisko thinks a woman is interested in him. He's obviously delusional, and people
tell him so.
"Sanctuary"--
Attack of the Clones! No, not really... Attack of the Annoying People with Flaky
Skin! Featuring everyone's favorite TV Land guest star, William Schallert!
"Rivals"--
Quark outfoxes a dumb guy, and the crowd goes wild. Features maybe Trek's least-plausible
bit of scientific theory.
"The Alternate"--
DS9 does 'The Thing,' with Odo as James Arness. He goes berserk and damages
lots of property, but he's really just misunderstood...
"Armaggedon Game"--
Bashir and O'Brien, at the mercy of aliens with bad haircuts!
"Whispers"--
'Picture of a man whose world has been turned upside down. Mister Miles Edward
O'Brien, who has just opened a case of self-sealing stembolts, sent Express
Delivery from... the Twilight Zone.'
"Paradise"--
Sisko stages a battle of wills with a woman whose really quite a Froot Loop--
sort of a retro Janeway, really...
"Shadowplay"--
Odo and Dax meet the Hallmark Holographic People (When you care enough to anthropomorphize
the very best!)
"Playing God"--
Dax wet-nurses a snot-nosed brat. Kira advocates the wanton destruction of the
Universe. No, not ours, but *somebody's*...
"Profit and Loss"--
Actually, *this* one was Casbajor. With Quark, no less. Garak gets to be cool
and stuff.
"Blood Oath"--
Old Klingons never die, they just make guest appearances.
"The Maquis, I and II"--
Sisko goes on his *first* obsessive 'uniform' kick. Gul Dukat gets to be cool
and stuff. Really, much of DS9 revolved around Cardassians being cool and stuff.
"The Wire"--
Bashir tries to find ouot the truth about Garak. Picture a dust mite trying
to lift a Buick.
"Crossover"--
Kira in slinky leather! Oh, um, and a plot and stuff. Did I mention Kira in
slinky leather?
"The Collaborator"--
Vedek Bareil wants to be Kai. Vedek Winn wants to be Kai. Vedek Bareil gets
sucker-punched.
"Tribunal"--
Next on the People's Court: Judge Wapner will decide the State vs. Miles O'Brien!
It's the special Death Penalty Round!
"The Jem'Hadar"--
Rhino-headed aliens get medieval on the crew's collective butt. We have no idea
what's begun here, which is good so there can be a cliffhanger an' stuff...
"The Search I and II"--
Sisko gets a spunky little ship. It's not the size of the battlecruiser, it's
what you do with it... With Bonus Short: Holographic Hijinks!
"The House of Quark"--
Quark proves that the Klingons are really just great big wusses, and nobody's
surprised.
"Equilibrium"--
Dax was a serial killer! Yup, she killed Count Chocula and Captain Crunch and
Tony the Tiger...
"Second Skin"--
Kira explores her inner Cardassian, then kills it.
`"The Abandoned"--
Bumper Robinson (from TV's "Night Court!") plays a young Jem'Hadar
going through that awkward, homicidal phase.
"Civil Defense"--
Treat your car alarms and home-security monitors well, for if they turn on you
it will not be pretty.
"Meridian"--
Everybody sing (to the tune of "Brigadoon")! Dee-Ess Nine! Dee-Ess
Niiiiiiine...
"Defiant"--
Saving Private Riker, with Kira as Tom Hanks. Okay, I'm lying. This episode
had a totally different plot. But "Saving Private Riker" is fun to
say...
"Fascination"--
Everybody loves somebody sometime-- especially when under the influence of a
Betazoid telepathic virus, but that's hard to rhyme...
"Past Tense, I and II"--
Chroniton particles don't kill people. Time traveling people kill people.
"Life Support"--
Bareil's kind of a weenie, but we're sad to see him die anyway...
"Heart of Stone"--
The Mother of all Lame Reset Buttons. But Nog joins Starfleet, which is cool--
and kinda surreal...
"Destiny"--
I dunno, something about vipers and strained allegories... go ask your mother...
"Prophet Motive"--
Quark meets gods, and they don't even smite him! Clearly, Harper's windshield
theory deserves a second look...
"Visionary"--
They KILLED O'Brien! I don't care what anybody says, the S4-7 O'Brien is a parallel
O'Brien! He's not the Real Slim Miles...
"Distant Voices"--
Turns out, the inside of Bashir's head is every bit as banal as you'd think...
"Improbable Cause/The Die is Cast"--
Garak meets his Dad, who considers killing him but decides against it. This
is a Touching Family Moment by Cardassian standards...
"Through the Looking Glass"--
Sisko firing phasers with both hands! What more do you need to know?
"Explorers"--
Houston, we have a problem. Sisko and Jake are Buzz Aldrin and Son.
"Family Business"--
Quark's mom wears clothes! Her sons want her to be naked again! This passes
for Serious Drama on Ferenginar. Anybody else a little disturbed?
"Shakaar"--
It's the Legend of Grizzly Adams! Plus a news flash: Vedek Winn is irrational
and petty! Seriously!
"Facets"--
Daxes. Betcha can't embody just one.
"The Adversary"--
Sisko's a captain with a cool goatee, which doesn't stop him getting suckered
by an angry tub of jello...
"The Way of the Warrior"--
Further News Flash: Klingons like to blow stuff up real good! Introducing the
Artist Formerly Known as Worf.
"Hippocratic Oath"--
Honey, our new neighbors are Jem'Hadar. But they're perfectly nice people, really!
"The Visitor"--
Sisko floats through time and makes us cry and stuff. *Sniffle*
"Indiscretion"--
Dukat sits on a tack. This is a major plot point, as it turns out.
"Rejoined"--
The Trill Taboo We'd Just as Soon Forget About Come Season Seven Episode.
"Starship Down"--
Dive! Dive! Sink the Bismarck, and stuff! Features "Babe's" James
Cromwell, but without the pig...
"Little Green Men"--
Quark visited America in 1948. This obviously set off a catacylsmic chain of
events which resulted, years later, in the 60's being so goshdarn weird. Which
in turn resulted in Classic Star Trek... and the circle of life continues.
"The Sword of Kahless"--
Worf and Count Baltar plot to take over the Universe.
"Our Man Bashir"--
Alexander Siddig thinks he's Pierce Brosnan. He's not, but then Pierce doesn't
have Garak, either...
"Homefront"--
Sisko's father is a cool old guy, so we can forgive that they said he was dead
in the first 2 seasons.
"Paradise Lost"--
Starfleet learns that they really should screen their admirals, not for Changelings,
but for, like, stupidity...
"Crossfire"--
Veronica steals Archie, and Betty feels jealous. The part of Betty in tonight's
melodrama to be played by Rene Auberjonious...
"Return to Grace"--
Turns out that winning an interstellar war is just like playing Space Invaders!
You just keep shooting till all the Klingons blow up...
"Sons of Mogh"--
Worf's brother Kurn get's a chance to forget all his annoying relatives! Sign
me up for that!
"Bar Association"--
Rom forms a union, and gets the Jimmy Hoffa treatment. Well, no he doesn't,
but we can dream.
"Accession"--
Sisko takes his rival into the Wormhole, ditches him, and claims it was the
will of the Prophets. People actually *buy* this. The Bajorans are a simple
people...
"Rules of Engagement"--
Sisko plays Perry Mason for Worf. Odo makes a lovely Della Street.
"Hard Time"--
O'Brien goes through a neverending lifetime of torment in a single afternoon.
Like dropping by the DMV.
"Shattered Mirror"--
Sisko builds the Rebels a snubfighter capable of battling the Death Star...
or, um, something. Really, there's no *plot* to speak of... but it's fun!
"The Muse"--
A sadistic alien tries to suck all the valuable stuff out of Jake's brain. Good
luck with that.
"For the Cause"--
Sisko's girlfriend is a thief. But who cares? More important he should put the
smackdown on his weasely runt of a security chief.
"The Quickening"--
Dr. Kildare Saves a Planet! Features a Really Obvious Kevorkian Parallel!
"To the Death"--
The crew helps some Jem'Hadar kill some other Jem'Hadar for reasons that are
frankly unclear. But hey, we get to meet Weyoun!
"Body Parts"--
Note to the DS9 Staff: We really didn't need to think about Quark's body parts.
No, really, we didn't.
"Broken Link"-- Also, we didn't need to see Rene Auberjonious in the buff. But this one has Garak trying to destroy a world (and looking darn cool doing it), so all is forgiven...
"Apocalypse Rising"--
Well, not really; it's sort of a mini-Apocalypse. But Kira does manage to blow
Dukat's little mind, which is worth a chuckle...
"The Ship"--
The shelling! Prophets, the shelling! Oh, and some redshirt bites it. What else
is new?
"Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong
Places"-- Let's just think of this
one as the Disturbing Mental Images Episode, and move on...
"Nor the Battle to the Strong"--
As a soldier, Jake's a really good writer...
"Trials and Tribble-ations"--
How do you makle fun of an episode that did such a great job making fun of itself?
I will not discuss this with outsiders.
"The Assignment"--
Tired of letting O'Brien be tortured by hacks and amateurs, the Paghwraiths
decide to take a crack at him. It's fun for the whole family!
"Let He Who is Without Sin"--
avoid this episode. Features Vanessa Williams, but not in any role worth speaking
of...
"Things Past"--
The Tortured Soul of Odo makes an appearance, and Kira gets on her high horse
about it. They'd have been a *great* old married couple...
"The Ascent"--
Odo hits Quark. Quark threatens to turn Odo into food. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck,
nyuck!
"Rapture"--
Sisko disobeys the orders of Starfleet's Most Wooden Admiral, and Winn appears
to be a complex, textured character. Trust me, it's just a mirage.
"The Darkness and the Light"--
Kira beats some guys up, things explode, people spout overblown dialogue. I
love DS9.
"The Begotten"--
Odo's grumpy 'cause his father never displayed enough open affection. So he
bonds with some Murphy's Oil Soap, and everything's cool...
"For the Uniform"--
The episode that makes you wonder how Eddington could have possibly seemed so
boring in his first few appearances.
"In Purgatory's Shadow/By Inferno's Light"--
Did you know Dr. Bashir had been replaced by a Changeling? Neither did the writers,
I expect. But we meet Martok, the One-Eyed Klingon Pirate! Arr, matey!
"Dr. Bashir, I Presume?"--
Bashir is just like Khan Singh! Except he's not, like, cool or well-acted or
anything... Special guest visit by Doc Zimmerman, whom you're guaranteed to
want to push out the airlock!
"A Simple Investigation"--
Would titling this Odo Gets Some be crude? Okay, then, we won't go there...
but it's *true*.
"Business as Usual"--
You come to Quark for a little favor, he's gonna make you an offer you can't
refuse... otherwise you wake up with a Vedran's head in your bed, capice?
"Ties of Blood and Water"--
A Kira/Occupation episode with Dukat and Weyoun and all kinds of Dominion stuff...
and it's *still* boring! Does that sound possible to you?
"Ferengi Love Songs"--
Let's all chant together: Kill the Ferengi. Kill the Ferengi. KILL THE FERENGI!!!
This episode is exactly as painful as it sounds.
"Soldiers of the Empire"--
Worf lets Martok almost kill him, so they bond. Klingons are *such* sad little
creatures...
"Children of Time"--
Odo commits mass-murder as a romantic gesture to Kira. Ah, young love...
"Blaze of Glory"--
Eddington dies, and Rom gets 7 whole seasons as a semi-regular. There's no frelling
justice.
"Empok Nor"--
Andy Robinson recreates his Dirty Harry character, causing even the mild-mannered
Chief O'Brien to want him dead! That's talent...
"In the Cards"--
Willie Mays tries to destroy the time continuum, but fortunately Jake and Nog
are our last, best line of defense...
"Call to Arms"--
Dukat retakes the station, and promptly gets hit with 7 years of property back-taxes.
"Rocks and Shoals"--
Features Keevan, a Vorta so slimy that even his momma couldn't love him, if
he had one. O'Brien rips his pants.
"Sons and Daughters"--
Alexander screws up, Worf scowls, Martok makes patently obvious comments. Plus--
Fun With Vorta Aesthetics!
"Behind the Lines"--
Odo takes some Weyoun Lessons and turns into a smarmy little git. Watch toward
the end for the words "REST BUTTON REQUIRED" scrolling across the
screen.
"Favor the Bold"--
Sisko's mad as heck and he's not gonna take it anymore! Plus: The saga of Morn,
Intergalactic Superspy!
"Sacrifice of Angels"--
Also called 'Whaling on the Reset Button with Both Fists,' this does feature
a stunning portrayal by Marc Alaimo of a crazy man... well, a man who's *slightly*
crazier than Dukat usually is, anyway.
"You Are Cordially Invited"--
Dax is really too old to act like this. For Worf, it's just another day at the
office. Features firedancing, but nobody cares.
"Resurrection"--
Mirror Bareil shows up. There's a character we were waiting for with
bated breath. At least he's less dull than the first one.
"Statistical Probabilities"--
Bashir alternately acts like a jerk and saves the day, Damar gets turf, and
Tim Ransom (Jack) imitates Robin Williams. Fun!
"The Magnificent Ferengi"--
Ferengi, Iggy Pop, and an animated Vorta corpse. If that doesn't spell a good
time, I don't know what does.
"Waltz"--
Dukat channels the spirit of Snidely Whiplash and beats the holy crud out of
Sisko. Ben is not amused.
"Who Mourns for Morn?"--
You know your plot is thin when you're ripping off TOS titles. Nobody actually
would have mourned for Morn, but they made the episode anyway.
"One Little Ship"--
Bashir gets shrunk down to about a quarter-inch. Not a word. Not a frelling
word, you dirty-minded people.
"Far Beyond the Stars"--
Very interesting things happen to a bunch of people who are totally unrelated
to the regular cast of DS9. Avery Brooks acts so hard he sprains something.
"Honor Among Thieves"--
This time, they only kill off O'Brien's friend, which is the Torture the Chief
equivalent of getting off with a warning...
"Change of Heart"--
Worf and Dax zoom off to a planet and almost get killed together. Unfortunately,
both survive.
"Wrongs Darker than Death or Night"
or Candygrams or Toothpaste or... Kira travels through time and tries to kill
her own mother. Does that sound bright to you?
"Inquisition"--
Commander Sloan, picking up where Eddington left off, does vaguely cool things
while causing a DS9 staff member to form a vendetta against him. Features Fun
With Holodecks, always a plus!
"In the Pale Moonlight"--
Garak murders, extorts, lies, cheats, steals, and goes home hapy. Sisko can
live with it.
"His Way"--
Those Crazy Kids from Bajor finally get their act together. Features musical
numbers, though merciful Heaven alone knows why.
"The Reckoning"--
The DS9 staff invents the Red and Blue Contact Lenses, a convenient screen shorthand
for telling good guys from bad guys.
"Valiant"--
A bunch of annoying frat kids take over a starship and smash it up real good.
Frankly, they deserved it.
"Profit and Lace"--
Quark's Feminine Side comes out. Imagine the sound of two million narwhals gagging
into the Grand Canyon.
"Time's Orphan"--
Molly O'Brien becomes one of the kids from Miri, but she recovers when the writing
staff realizes they're out of Torture O'Brien tokens for this season...
"The Sound of Her Voice"--
Everybody bonds with a Starfleet Captain who turns out to be dead. It's not
Janeway. Darn.
"Tears of the Prophets"--
A bunch of vaguely epic things happen, but too much time is cut because of musical
numbers to really tell what they are. Dax dies, and Avery Brooks tries his darnedest
to save the episode with a touching soliloquey.
"Image in the Sand"--
Sisko goes crackers, Kira gets a bad hairstyle, and the boys on DS9 undertake
a seemingly random mission.
"Shadows and Symbols"--
Meet Ezri Dax! Isn't she cute? You'd better think so, 'cause we'll be shoving
her down your throat all season...
"Afterimage"--
Garak makes Ezri cry. Ezri heals Garak's psychosis. They bond afterward.
"Take Me Out to the Holosuite"--
Vulcans beat out Nietzscheans for the title of Most Arrogant Sci-Fi Species
with a grand-slam putdown in the 9th.
"Chyralis"--
Bashir falls madly in love for about the tenth time during the series' run.
It's obviously doomed to fail, but he doesn't seem to mind.
"Treachery, Faith, and the Great River"--
Meet Good Weyoun! He's like Bad Weyoun, only-- um-- good? Nog and O'Brien re-enact
an episode of "The Odd Couple."
"Once More Unto the Breach"--
Kor goes on one last mission. Who is Kor? Oh, just one of the many minor characters
the writers preferred to their actual stars...
"The Siege of AR-558"--
Will Robinson shows up on DS9, and the Dominion promptly kills him. This is
why DS9 is a great show.
"Covenant"--
Dukat is the Reverend Jim Bakker. Kira is Tammy Faye. Much less eye shadow,
but a worse haircut.
"It's Only a Paper Moon"--
Nog prefer holographic life to the real world. So who doesn't?
"Prodigal Daughter"--
Ezri's whining brother is a killer. The writers make a halfhearted attempt to
Torture the Chief, but the magic is gone.
"The Emperor's New Cloak"--
In the DS9 Mirror Universe, all lesbians are evil and all Ferengi are good.
It's a strange place.
"Field of Fire"--
Ezri: The Early Years continues with the gripping saga of Zee confronting her
inner demons. Or maybe she's nuts. Wagers, anyone?
"Chimera"--
Odo's brother Laas challenges the Vulcans for that Arrogant Alien thing, and
takes them into extra innings...
"Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges"--
The writes of DS9 craft a tightly woven Romulan mystery while simultaneously
proving they don't know diddly about Latin.
"Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang"--
Vic Fontaine is in trouble. Sisko doesn't care, so they brainwash him.
"Penumbra"--
Ezri and Worf make First Contact, next on: As the Trill Turns.
"Till Death do us Part"--
The Dominion allies with the Breen. Yeah, those Breen. No, I don't know either.
They just did, okay?
"Strange Bedfellows"--
I implore you, do not think about what that title means, especially not
about certain recurring characters who have both suddenly become Pure Evil.
I mean, do NOT! *Sigh* You thought about it, didn't you? I warned you...
"The Changing Face of Evil"--
Damar acts all cool and stuff, those proving that Garak and Dukat haven't cornered
the Cardie market. The DEFIANT blows up, and the Dominion lets the crew live
for no good reason.
"When it Rains..."--
A bunch of arc-related things happen. To be honest, I can't tell one finale
arc episode from another anymore. It was probably cool, though.
"Tacking into the Wind"--
Worf kills Gowron for military reason, though he could have done it long ago
just basically 'cause he felt like it. The Klingon Empire flocks to his obvious
charisma, and the war effort is saved.
"Extreme Measures"--
O'Brien and Bashir encounter Section 31, which mails them to their families
in seperate boxes. No, actually, they win. Dont' ask me how.
"The Dogs of War"--
Kira teaches the Cardassians heartwarming lessons in terrorism. Rom becomes
Grand Nagus, which is a worse fate than really even the Ferengi deserved.
"What You Leave Behind"--
Some people die, some people leave, some people stay, some people I really couldn't
tell you what the frell happened to 'em, there's a new DEFIANT just like the
old one never left, there's much singing and angst and red contact lenses, and
I am finally through with this frelling overlong post. Everybody lived happily
ever after, except the ones who didn't.